McCain seals the republican nomination and receives the coveted endorsement from George W. The President said McCain represents all that's good for America--he spends 6 years being tortured in a prison camp and comes back an American patriot. “Like Gitmo,” he said while noting that McCain is "a water-boarding success story." The President then recanted his comment by clarifying the Administration’s position that water-boarding, however, is not torture. "It’s therapy not torturpy."

On the Democratic side of the aisle, Hillary had back-from-the-dead victories in Texas, Ohio and the tiny US principality known as Rhode Island, confirming that she is in fact a zombie. In explaining her husband Bill's absence from the campaign trail, she said she "ate his brains with some fava beans and a nice Chianti," and then proceeded to make rude gestures with her bottom lip causing Wolf Blitzer to blush and forcing him to sit behind a desk for the remainder of his news broadcast.

Speaking of fava beans, Brett Favre retires at the age of 86 stating that the highlight of his career was playing Cameron Diaz's boyfriend on There's Something About Mary. When asked what he was going to do in his golden years, he replied, "Roger Clemens and I are going to do lots of blow with some high class Fond du Lac bitches. Then I'll probably start a campaign to legalize whorehouses." When a man wearing a cheese hat informed him that whorehouses were indeed legal in the State of Nevada, Favre looked down at the podium and shook his head, "I've wasted the best years of my life here. Wisconsin sucks."