The share price for Bear Stearns dropped over ninety percent on Monday after J.P. Morgan offered to buy the ailing investment bank for a bargain-basement price of two dollars per share. Former Bear Stearns CEO James “Jimmy” Cayne, who stepped down several months after it was revealed that he was playing bridge and smoking pot on the job, commented that the news was “no big whoop. You guys really need to chill out about this 90% loss thing, cause I see it as a 10% gain.” Cayne, speaking during a break in the finals of the Amsterdam World Bridge n’ Bong Tournament, then skipped through the aisle towards back of the room, grabbed a Krispy Kreme from a security guard and told a female reporter to “get back to your window where I’ll meet you in ten minutes. This time you play the dirty sailor.” He was promptly tazed and ejected from the premises.

Governor David A. Paterson assumed the top post in New York’s state government yesterday only to reveal today that, like his predecessor, former Governor Eliot Spitzer, he too has had extramarital affairs. New York’s first legally blind Governor came clean in a press conference just one day after assuming the top post raising questions about his ethics and ability to carry out his duties in office. The Governor attempted to allay these concerns, explaining to reporters, “Jeez, guys, I’m blind as a bat. How am I supposed to tell the difference between those girls and my wife?” He then cupped his hands into the air. “I can’t even read brail good.”

The Georgia Dome was hit by a vicious tornado during the SEC Conference men’s basketball finals this weekend, causing hundreds of millions of dollars in damage to the dome and to the downtown Atlanta area. Players, coaches and attendees were quickly evacuated as structural debris fell onto the court and water flowed like Armageddon down the steps of the concourse. When interviewed by the press about his motives, God slapped his forehead and explained apologetically that he ordered his minions in the Calamities Department to hit the New Orleans Superdome not the Georgia Dome. “Gosh, they must have misread the memo,” he said. “Did they get the locust swarm too?” When informed that no such locust infestation was reported in the Georgia area, God put his hands on his hips and looked up into the sky, “Man they really fudged this one up didn’t they?” In an unprecedented move, the state of Georgia later called for God’s resignation as the official religious deity, choosing instead to now outsource the state’s religion to India where Buddha has established a Mumbai call center. “We are experiencing rapid growth in the religious deity outsourcing industry as the people of the world quickly realize we can offer the same level of service at lower cost and less margin for error than our [ahem] competitors,” Buddha announced in a press release launching their new expanded menu of services that include Judaism, Kabalah and Scientology. “We are practically printing rupees over here,” he added.