(Editor’s Note: Now that the Comedy Feed is up and running, you will start to see some columns from our exclusive columnists - a group of hilarious people who will write hilarious stuff for your enjoyment every other week. For example, this column is our advice column, written by the very entertaining Amber Tozer. You can ask Amber for advice by emailing her at ambertozer@gmail.com. Enjoy!)

Dear Blah blah blah,

Hi! I hope everyone enjoyed the long weekend. I spent the first part of Memorial Day saying “Fahgett abawt it!” and the second part saying, “Is that hacky?”

Let’s get to the questions.

Hello Amber,

Thanks.
Eric

Hi Eric,

Thanks for writing in, this is a fun question.

If you really want to go to your high school reunion - guess what? You can GO! Life is awesome like that. Who cares if you hated everyone you went to school with? Maybe they hated you too. You should just go, be cool, keep your judgments in your own greyish colored brain and if the reunion sucks…you can leave. You are having feelings of “wanting to go” because you want to go. That’s all. It’s been 10 years, you are curious.

I think it’s fascinating to see people after a decade has gone by. At my high school reunion I stared at everyone, drank about 14 cocktails, did a few lines of blow, and promised everyone I’d open up restaurants in Aspen, CO with them.

I suggest leaving out the cocaine. If you snort coke you’ll talk your balls right off your body, and they might land on some used-to-be-fat-now-she’s-skinny-chicks neck. Her stinky husband will probably kick your testes across the reunion hall floor and you’ll be embarrassed. There’s a chance you’ll annoy a few high school foes and they’ll be like, “Eric is still weird, why are his balls under the DJ booth? Blah blah blah.”

If you can muster up motivation – you should turn your reunion into a musical, a HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL! You and your high school enemy will star in it and the storyline can revolve around you two sabotaging each other. You end up murdering him or her, you are sentenced to death, and then you sing about it. You find God in prison after a whimsical-sing-songy-rape and for your last meal you order a cheeseburger with avocado. The avocado will be a metaphor for perfectly textured smoothies.

Get it? Me neither!

My point is: Go to your reunion. Don’t snort coke up your boogy-nostrils. Have fun. Be nice. Stare a lot. It’ll be good, so good!

Ok. A horny lady from Seattle wrote in. Check it.

Hey Amber,

Sexless in Seattle

Hi Sexless in Seattle!

Let’s see. You are horny, single and don’t like having casual sex. I’m not going to suggest masturbating because that would be lame and obvious. Hmmm. Now I feel like suggesting masturbating. DAMN IT! Ok, rub a quick one out while I call my mom and ask her what you should do.

(Calling my mom)

Mom: Hello?

Me: Blah blah blah.

Mom: What?

Me: No time for chit-chat. I’m on deadline. How did you handle being single, horny and lonely when you were in your late thirties?

Mom: I hate this question.

Me: Welcome to my world! See how hard my life is? I need to help a horny lady in Seattle.

Mom: Quit feeling sorry for yourself.

Me: I wish you’d be more supportive.

Mom: I wish my vagina was younger.

Me: They have a surgery for that now.

Mom: Really?!

Me: Yeah, they also have an asshole bleaching procedure.

Mom: Who in the hell needs their asshole bleached?

Me: Your mom!

CLICK

My mom doesn’t want to help me, so I’ll help myself while you finish up your self-inflicted orgasm. If you can read and rub at the same time, good for you!

I think you should have consistent casual sex with the same person. The key is, to stay away from “date like” activities. Do not go to dinner, do not ask about their lives, and most importantly, do not CARE about them. Just shag and tag him at least four times a week (at your convenience).

Think like a man. Make sure the guy is young, stupid and hotter than your ex. Since you are in your late thirties– I’m assuming you know what you want in the sack and you can boss the boner around in bed. Just make sure your emotions are in check. All he needs is a decent sized cock-a-doodle-dong, a car and mommy-issues.

If you start to fall for him, which is very possible, start banging his best friend.

Hope this helps!

Peace,
Amber

Moving on, Brenda has a problem with her sister. Let’s exploit it.

Hi Amber,

Best,
Brenda

Hi Brenda,

First off, your little sister is 19. That’s the problem. She’s probably obsessing about “what she should do” with her life. I’m assuming she’s fresh out of high school and is either going to college or working a job she hates. Cut her some sister-slack.

Maybe she’s knocked up and doesn’t want to tell anyone. Maybe she’s in the FBI and CAN’T tell anyone. Maybe she’s an alien and was sent here (Earth) to learn more about Reality TV. You just never know.

And, since your tactics involve tough love and ignoring her, maybe she’s thinking to herself “I can’t wait to turn 21 so I can stab my older sister.”

Try putting yourself in her shoes, just steal a fancy pair and wear them in front of her like they are yours. That’s what sisters are for! Or, you can give her a hug and whisper “Blah blah blah” in her ear. She might just melt in your arms!

The fuckin end!

Peace,
Amber

Tags: amber tozer, ask amber, columns

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