Hello Sexual Education!

Who the eff is reading this? Why am I alive? How can guys walk around with ball sack flesh dangling between their legs and act like nothing is going on down there? WWJD? The questions never seem to end.

Let’s get to THESE questions!

Hey Amber,

Thanks,
Confused.

Hi Confused,

I don’t think your biggest problem is being confused, I think it’s living in Oklahoma. It’s not ok in OK to be gay. But, I’m thinking…if you live in Tornado Alley there could be hope for you.

During the next tornado, you should chase it. You know, like run after it and try to film it. I think lesbians and hot dudes chase tornados in Oklahoma. I don’t know why I think this, I just do.

Yeah…so let’s say you are chasing a tornado and at one point you have to take cover. You find yourself crammed into a shower stall at a LUV’S Truck Stop surrounded by lesbians and hot guys. Try the following sexual maneuvers and BE SURE to film everything you do so you can observe your monkey behavior later.

First: Grab a chick’s boob and wait for her reaction. If she’s cool with it, give it a lil’ squeeze. Close your eyes and take note of what you are REALLY feeling. If you want to grab both ta ta’s - you might be a little gay. If you want to snack on her crack - you are either really gay or you just want to show off.

Next - jam your ass up against a dudes crotch. No need to wait for a reaction, he’ll pop a boner within seven seconds. Wait for his shlong to get long and slowly gyrate against him. Again, take note of what
you are feeling. If your lady hole starts moanin for a bonin you are probably straight, or you just have a weird moaning vagina.

Finally - have sex with anyone who’s willing in that shower stall. Initiate an orgasmic orgy. You can yell, “Hey everyone, we shouldn’t let this shiitty-twister ruin our day! Whaddya say we start bangin
each other and if we feel gross about it, we can turn on the shower!”

Baddabing. Baddabooms! Not only did you get to experiment, you probably just produced a killer porn that will make you some dolla dolla billz, ya’ll. You can call it “Sexual Education in a Small Town
Right Before Death Gives You a Blow Job.”

Moving on.

Here’s a question from Ally (not a tornado alley). I had to edit her question because it was longer than my column. She explained to me, in detail, that “Dave” is a really big ass.

Dear Amber,

Thanks!
“Ally”

Hi Ally,

Thanks for writing in. I think you should stay away from Dave. He sounds like the type of person that will crap on your soul, not wipe afterward, then brag about his dirty ass. I mean, it’s cool that you
guys dated and were able to stay friends, but the fact that he was sleeping with you while he had another girlfriend is just gross. AND, if he’s negative all of the time – what’s the point? Do you think you are going to bless him with a dazzling new personality and a heart of gold? You aren’t. Sorry to bust your tits further apart, but it’s the truth.

Besides, there’s nothing worse than hanging out with a guy who expects things to go his way all of the time. Well, getting fingered by a donkey in front of your middle school Sexual Education teacher would be worse (donkey fingers are embarrassing).

I know what you mean by having a “coming-to-Jesus moment.” Those fleeting epiphanies that come along and tell you, “That’s it. No more. This guy is toxic.” You should trust those moments - it’s Jesus’ way of telling you he loves the way your vagina smells, even when it’s sweating with a bastard-baby sliding out of it. Jesus is sort of gross.

Anyway, Dave sounds like he is really insecure and has a huge ego. I’m trying to picture his penis in my brain right now. Not like his penis bangin’ my brain but I’m trying to get a visual of his slimy-slinky.

WHOA! A vision of a limp, crybaby earthworm just appeared in my mastermind. GROSS DAVE! Go fishing with your weird looking dick and keep it away from my cranium, would ya?

Point being, there is no way for you to de-assify Dave. That’s Dave’s job. If you get lonely, why don’t you spend time with Jesus? He’ll probably say things that’ll knock your pink taco sideways and he’ll
explain why people scream “JESUS CHRIST” after someone says something awful.

Ok. Bye.

Peace,
Amber

Brian wrote in with a subject line “A question for your mailbag.” This made me laugh.

Here’s his question:

Amber,

Thanks,
Brian

Hey Brian,

Nice question. I would handle a drunken idiot that doesn’t respect sobriety with an air horn, a shoehorn and a horny transvestite (aka trans-horn). Just kidding, no need for horns. You should just fuck with this dude’s mind the next time you hang out. Just keep buying him drinks, he’ll get super wasted, and you can insult him the entire time - he’ll think it’s funny.

Here’s how it can play out:

Drunk Asshole (DA): Yo Brian! Why aren’t you drinking? Don’t be such a pussy!

You: I don’t drink anymore so you should drink for the both of us. Here (hand him whiskey) drink up!

DA: (Drinks shot) Why don’t you drink, man?

You: (Buy him another shot) Because I have alcoholism, you big huge dick-ring.

DA: (Drinks shot) Oh, that’s bullshit. I hate it when people say that.

You: What? That you are a big huge dick-ring?

DA: Nah, man. Alcoholism. I mean…people drink man! People drink a lot! It’s what we do.

You: (Get him another) Oh, so you ARE a big huge dick-ring. You should teach a dick-ringing sexual
education class, you can call it DING A LING A DICK RING! HELLO AND WELCOME TO MY HOLE 101!

DA: (Sips on some whiskey) Hahahaha. That’s funny.

You: I think your mouth is where farts go to die.

DA: Hahaha. That’s a good one too. (Burp, hiccup, wobbles around)

You: We should hang out in the morning.

DA: FOR SURE! (Vomit. Pass out.)

The End.

Peace,
Amber

Tags: amber tozer, ask amber, columns

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