Hello, Spanish Words!

Sniggety-snap attack. Let’s get on with this sh*% already. Yeah?

Dear Amber,

Jason

Hi Jason,

Thanks for writing in. I’d love to fuck someone I hate while watching one of your films - we should talk on a Tuesday about this. I hope you don’t mind if I write about myself for a bit. I’m hoping my perverted journey will help you with your problem.

My parents don’t know I have this column. My dad is dead and he’s been very busy acting like a dead person. My mother is never online and I’ll never tell her about ASK AMBER. She’d ask me to stop writing it.

A few years ago, I performed at a show in my hometown and I played an experimental, animated short film I made with my friend, Onur Tukel. It’s called BOMBS AND BLUEBALLS and its crazy. My mother was in the audience and she was sooooooo mad at me for showing it. She ripped me a new crapper after the show.

Check out this post-show conversation:

Her: That was the lowest common denominator of comedy I have ever seen.

The End.

After this argument I quit doing comedy for a while. Bad decision. I got really mean and really stinky. I started to smell like asparagus laced pee pee and blamed it on all of the dirty thoughts that were stuck inside of my soul. I was stinking from the inside out and I HAD to start doing comedy again. My mom and I now have an agreement, she agreed to never read or watch anything I do. BOOM. Problem solved.

So Jason, maybe you should tell your family to quit watching your work. There is no need for them to watch any of your “In-n-out, in-n-out”* motion pictures. If making jizz-jamming films makes your ticker tock, you need to keep doing it! I’m sure your happiness will be just as contagious as any STD and your family will begin to cum on you. I mean smile at you.

Adios!

Peace,
Amber

*A quote from A Clockwork Orange and fun hamburger place.

PS: Mom, if you are reading this - I love you. I really, really do. You are amazing. Sorry I’m a pig.

Moving on to the next question…Angelina is crazy. Let’s help her!

Hey Amber,

Thanks.
Angelina

Hi Angelina,

I love your big-lipped-skinny-armed-Brad-bangin-baby-havin name. I’m sorry you are feeling crazy and I’m going to try to help you the best I can. Unfortunately, I’ve never taken anti-depressants so I can’t suggest a “good one”. What I can do is suggest something I made up this very second, called ALTERNATIVE BEDICINE.

When you feel like strangling yourself with your own jugular vein- grab your bottle of prescription pills, lie down in your bed and do the following:

- Pretend you are in a psych ward and throw your pills at the wall, one by one. After each pellet lands on the floor scream something like “Hey Nurse Ratchet, your name reminds me of my bloody hatchet wound! Have you seen my maxi pads? ” Do this until the bottle is empty or someone calls the authorities.*

- Suffocate yourself with a pillow until you almost die. Remove the pillow, start breathing again and teach yourself some spanish words. It’ll feel reeeeallllll bueno.

- Take a nap in the nude and dream about bed bugs crawling into one of your body holes. You’ll wake up in an itchy panic and think of changing your name to Angelina Holey. The Bedicine will start to make you feel BEDazzled. Get it? It’s not hilarious, but it’s wordy! HEY OH!

- Call someone and invite them over to have sex with you. While they are ejaculating, scream the Nurse Ratchet line in their ear. This maneuver is called THE CALL BACK CUMMER. They’ll be like”¿Qué?” And you’ll be like “One of your unnecessary question marks is upside down.” They’ll be confused and you’ll be ready for another nude nap.

- Finally, get out of bed and volunteer at a homeless shelter or something. Give the homeless your meds - they might like them. I’ve heard that the meaning of life revolves around healing yourself, then giving your knowledge away to those who need it. Give those fucking crazy pills to the real locos. It’s God’s will!

I hope this helps you my sad, sweet Angelina Holey with bed bugs.

Te Querio,
Amber

*ALTERNATIVE BEDICINE can be practiced in any bed, just like rape. If you get locked up for screaming, as long as they give you a bed - you’ll be cool. If they don’t give you a bed, you are probably in a really scary place and you’ll have to figure out shit on your own.

Tags: amber tozer, ask amber, columns

• Angelina Jolie’s Womb-Cam
• Ask Amber: High School, A Horny Lady, and A Sister
• Other Things We Found Mildly Interesting Today
• Check Out Our New Ask Amber Videos!
• Ask Amber: Beep Beep On A Possible Break Up

This entry was posted on Monday, June 23rd, 2008 at 10:55 am and is filed under Funny Articles. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.