Hello Bob Haircuts!

Thanks to everyone for writing in. I could only get to one question this week, because I was crazy, sexy busy this week. Not really, I was panicking about procrastinating. Check it:

Dear Amber,

I know your advice might be to tell me to shove something in one of my holes, but it might also help with my fear of leaving my hometown. I’m 23 and I live in Casper, Wyoming. I want to get out of here really, really, really, really bad. I have a boyfriend and he says he’ll move with me….but he only tells me this when he’s drunk or when I threaten to move by myself.

I want to move to San Francisco. I was there a few years ago and I loved it. I just graduated college and I want to get out of here. Do you think I should move? What’s it like to live in a big city?

Thanks. I hope you consider this

Lilly

Hi Lilly!

Consider your question considered.

Casper, WY? Holy Moses and a bible in a hotel nightstand drawer - get the eff out there. I’m sure it’s an easy place to live and everyone is friendlier than a cute ghost, but if you want to move really, really, really, really bad – you can. You can do whatever the fuck you want with your life.

Well, there are a few things you should refrain from doing: murdering, raping, stealing, puking on someone’s face for no reason, finger-banging your best friend, eating hot dogs, peeing on your feet in a parking lot then walking back into the bar and screaming “I just peed on my feet!” and expecting a positive reaction, agreeing to buy a black dildo for a friend’s short film at an upscale sex shop then judging all of the Asians in there, getting a bob haircut if you have a fat face, snorting wasabi, etc.

Yeah, just stick the basics. Since you are in your early twenties, you might be acting like you are a little bit retarded. DO NOT take offense to this, unless you are retarded. But, if you are a normal 23-year-old you need to be careful when you are in a big city. You might try to please people too much, you might think you aren’t good enough, and you might find yourself being manipulated a LOT.

Just be aware of your behavior and do not get in the habit of being nice to people just so they approve of you. Fuck that. When you find yourself seeking approval, pretend you are a WWII veteran and hack up snot from your throat, spit it out and smile like a lady. Or, maybe you should pretend you have a big cock or something. This will bring you back to reality and you’ll focus on what’s most important – being real, feeling good about it and wondering about your gender.

San Francisco is the best city to question if your snatch should really be a big honky-tonkin dick (or a normal dick).

It seems like you are going back in forth about the actual decision to move. You know what? You should create a pros and cons list. This works! When I was 22, I wanted to move to NYC from my hometown and I was sort of scared. I had to break things down in my brain to help me make a decision. Here is my pros and cons list. I wrote this in 1998.

MOVING TO NYC

Pros:

• I’ll get to live in a place everyone calls “The Big Apple.”

• I like apples.

• I really liked that part in Good Will Hunting when Matt Damon told that snotty dude off and was like “How do you like them apples?” I was like, “I like them! I like them. Way to get Minnie Driver’s phone number, Matt! Tell her to never get a bob haircut because her face is too wide!”

Cons:

• If I stay here I’ll probably marry Robert Martinez then kill myself.

End of list.

BOOM. Apples or suicide? I chose apples. I asked myself “How do you like them apples?” I answered myself, “A lot better then killing myself!” Then I got a bad bob haircut and stepped in road apples.

Sometimes keeping it simple is the best way to go. I ended up moving to NYC alone, I lived there for seven years and I’m happy I did. I’ll break down the pros and cons of my move:

Pros:

• I can tell the difference between a Staten Island and Long Island accent, and I find them both pleasing in the same way it is to watch a toddler fall down.

• I was sued by one of my roommates, then I caught him drinking some of my milk. I told my lawyer about it, he didn’t care and I developed character.

• I have a lot of stories about almost dying, the most interesting one involves a baby shower, a knife and a lamb.

• I met a bunch of Jews and realized why I’m not a “chosen one”. I’m cool with it.

• I started doing comedy and tricked myself into thinking that binge drinking and self-destruction was romantic and artsy.

• I told someone to go fuck themselves in a very uplifting way, then caught them masturbating while watching Oprah.

• I didn’t fall onto the subway tracks and die a horrible death.

Cons:

• There were no cons. It was what it was.

My move was totally worth it! Lilly, you have to move! What’s the worst thing that could happen? You die. So what? Be dead.

Oh, as far your boyfriend goes – don’t wait around for him. If he only tells you he’s going to move when he’s drunk and/or you are threatening to leave, he’s just trying to control you and he’s scared.
You’ll start to resent him if you stay in Casper “for him.” Make the move by yourself and if he decides to move later, awesome. If not, it’s still awesome. You are young – don’t put too much trust or hope into a guy, put it in one of your holes!

You asked for that one, Lilly. Yeah, putting trust and hope into your asshole will probably motivate you to move or a beautiful flower will start to bloom outta yo bum, maybe it’ll be a Lilly! You’ll start to grow out of your own asshole.

In closing, my dear, move to San Francisco. It’s a great city. I’m sure if you have the balls to move, you’ll have the balls to figure things out and you might even decide that you want some balls. San Francisco will welcome you with open legs and a bad butch bob hair cut.

Peace,

Amber

Amber Tozer is a stand-up comic/writer living in Los Angeles. Everyone
tells her she’s adorable, but the only thing she sees when she looks
in the mirror are two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. You can email your
questions to her at ambertozer@gmail.com. Check her out -
www.myspace.com/ambertozer

Tags: amber tozer, ask amber, columns

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