I’ve been teaching English Literature this summer to ninth graders. Yeah, comedy doesn’t pay ALL (any of) the bills!!

At one point during the school day, I have a three hour block of class with seven kids. By hour one, I’m scrambling to fill time before I lose them. If not, I have to start taking away their phones. And I hate doing that because it means I can’t use mine either.

So, lately I’ve taken the last hour of the class to review current events. It’s my attempt to instill my own beliefs onto these impressionable kids. But they listen to what I have to say. I’m kind of the cool teacher. Not like Letourneau. Gross. No. I’m like Mr. Belding’s brother, Rod.

So yesterday, in “cool teacher” style, I broke out the big guns: I passed out an article about the overturning of the ban on gay marriage in California.

The instant they read the word “gay” in the title, they started laughing. The boys were squirming and refused to read aloud any paragraph that mentioned homosexuality. I had to read it for them.

They refused. It was bizarre. As if reading a sentence about gayness would give them gay.

So then I had to stop and ask them why they were so uncomfortable. And they said:

“Because it’s gross.”

“Because it’s nasty.”

“Because… it’s like, gay.”

So I was like, “Gay marriage is gay? So gay marriage is sexually oriented towards other gay marriages of its same sex?”

And they stared at me blankly.

So then I felt it was time to drop some Michelle Pfeiffer Dangerous Minds knowledge on them. I told them that gay people are born gay, and that they don’t choose to be gay. They couldn’t believe it. They were in shock. Like they had never thought of such an insane idea.

But they believed me, which was cool. They trusted that I had the inside scoop on the gays. Maybe they thought I was gay and that I knew all of this from personal experience or something.

Hell, I don’t know even if I’m gay or not. I haven’t made that choice yet.

But my Jaime Escalante moment was short-lived. While my peskiest student, David, was impatiently waiting for class to end, he said, “Ms. Glaser, I love gay people. I love being gay. I’m gay. I like boys. I swear. Can I leave early?”

“No, David.”

“C’mon! But you love gay people, too, Ms. Glaser! We’re both nasty!”

Then the whole class laughed, the bell rang, and they left as ignorant as they came.

I’m sure I’ll get fired tomorrow when a kid tells his mom at the dinner that his lesbo teacher learned them that gayness wasn’t a choice.

But wouldn’t that be worth it?

Tomorrow’s lesson plan:

Lecture entitled, “The world is ending and it’s too late for you or me to do anything about it.”

Nikki Glaser is a stand-up comedian living in Los Angeles. Go to www.myspace.com/nikkiglaser for info.

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