Ask Amber: Rub This On Your Body For American Dogs

Hello Malodorous,

I hope you all enjoyed your 4th of July! I went to a fun party in Malibu and ate too many beans. I ended up timing my farts to the snap, crackle and pops of the fireworks so no one would hear my rice kripsy ass explosions. I thought it was a brilliant idea until I realized people have a sense of smell.

Speaking of smell, check this question out. It’s from another lesbian.

Dear Amber,

I’m a lesbian dog owner. My partner and I feel bad because our dog, Mabel, loves men. Whenever a guy is around she gets so happy and drives her snout into his crotch and armpits. I just think she likes the smell… we are starting to feel guilty about it. What do you think we should do? We want to make sure Mabel lives a balanced lifestyle.

Thanks,

A Gay Dog Owner

Yo GDO!

Thanks for writing in. It sounds like Mabel (see photo below) has a simple case of “estrogenitis” and we all know what that means. She needs to be surrounded by some male pharomones aka; sack juices, nut nasties, sweaty testes, taint toppings, boys BO in a bottle!

Basically, you and your lady need to rub ball sweat on yourselves. Mabel might be in ovary overload, traumatic bypass, high blood pressure and thyroid malfunction mode right now.

Just rub some man funk on ya. You owe this to Mabel, to yourselves and to our country. Independence day was last week and the election is right around the corner. While bathing in balls, think about the future of our country. Think about Hilary Clinton’s failed lady campaign and how the media chose to focus on her appearance rather than her strategies. Think about Obama and what a pretty shade of black he is (do not think about his suggested solutions) And, don’t forget to think about John McCain and how he should go fuck himself (if you are into that sort of thing.)

Alright, alright enough with the politics. I’m going to collect the ball sweat for you.

Let me break down my game plan:

1. Post an ad on Craigslist requesting ball sweat.

2. Sort through responses.

3. Laugh my ass off.

4. Finish writing this column.

5. Think about what John McCain would look like if he were black and really fat.

Ok, here’s what I just posted on Craigslist in the part-time employment section.

Subject: WANTED – A MAN WHOS BALLS DRIP LIKE A COFFEE MAKER

Hi!

First of all, this isn’t a joke. If you are serious about this position, stick a heat lamp by your nuts, collect the sweat drippings and get ready to make some cash.

There is no experience necessary you just need to have the desire to perspire. We are a lesbian couple and we need to rub ball sweat on ourselves for the sake of our dog. She loves the way a man smells and we want her to have the finer things in life.

If you think you might be the right man for the job, please email us ASAP. Pay is dependent on the how malodorous your male bag is.

Thanks!

Gay Dog Owners

PS: We realized that malodorous means redolent which means stinky. It’s a great day to be gay!

BOOM.

Ok, I’m gonna go and listen to the couple next door fight over money. I’ll be back in a bit to check my email.

(Seventeen minutes later, check email)

Oh my God, I already have 73 sweet sweaty responses! I’ll go through them and post a few.

Please keep in mind – these are real responses from a real ad. For reals.

RESPONSE ONE:

Yea i have about three jars of it here, how much did you need?