I don’t believe in ghosts, but I believe in Patrick Swayze. I don’t have very much Iron in my diet, however I do enjoy Robert Downey Jr.’s portrayal of implied super hero. Which brings me to my most obvious statement: I love women, but I hate dating.

What?

In fact, I have such little interest in dating that I am considering just coming up with a mission statement that would provide key information about myself and list of things that I would be looking for in a female partner.

Now, I would say that I am funny. That’s my right bower. I will lead with that. It’s kinda my job, so I have faith that it’s true. Is your uncle or brother funnier? Probably, but it’s not a contest so settle down. I know when to turn it off and I consider that an asset.

I am not the most handsome fellow, but I am certainly not the ugliest. I read a great deal and like to think that I am smart, but I don’t know that I would be your dream, go-to answer lad on any game show.

Here’s how my mission statement would read:

Hi, my name is J Chris Newberg. I am a comic and writer. I believe in God, but I don’t usually go to church. I am going to vote in the upcoming election, but I will not discuss politics with you. Yes, I have had long relationships in the past. No, I don’t want to talk about them. I will not lie to you, unless you ask me how many girls I have been with. If you insist on knowing, it was two. One was my first girlfriend when we were both 15 and it was both heavenly and sticky and the other one was Madonna and it was awkward. I will stick to that number.

I assume that you have dated before, but I don’t care. If someone hit you, I’m truly sorry, but it wasn’t me. I am allergic to cats. Translation: I hate cats. I love adventure, but if you baby talk to me, it’s a deal breaker. You may baby talk to my dog or your cat. That is forgivable. I am not poor, but I am not the richest guy either. I am focused and driven and respect you if you love what you do. I am passionate and enthusiastic, unless I am tired from being passionate and enthusiastic.

I have weird hours and sleep at strange times. I have been in love before and feel that it’s overrated. I would like to fall in love again, but not just for the sake of doing so. If you suck, I should be able to tell you. I respect that you do the same to me. Because guess what, sometimes I’m a dick. It’s not because I want to be, but I guess I have a little bit of the diva in me. Thanks for that, mom.

Good news though, I am fun to hang out with and I have goals and I am supposedly on the right track to somewhere.

If you are sleeping with eight guys currently, but you are not doing so for any other reason than you are an actress that is unemployed and wanting some dinner or person number nine (me) to get you fed and drunk, you may kindly fuck off. If you are still married, in the midst of “It’s complicated” love with an ex, using me to try and help you with your budding comedy career, a meth addict, a stripper, a prostitute who’s working her way through college, shallow and self involved, ripe with cocaine breath, crazy just for the sake of being crazy, have a third nipple, only read pop-up books, suck your thumb, carry a blanket, own a hand gun, are a member of the bloods, have a giant angel of death tattooed on your face, experimental lesbian long after college, a baby killer (let’s be straight, if you have had an abortion, that’s none of my business, stuff happens. Not judging), I mean if you kill babies on the street or in a tub, then you can also fuck off.

I would like it if you could hold a conversation, but it’s not that important. I would like to be attracted to you (anyone who says I am shallow can suck it, because I did not say physically, I said in general..haters). I guess just be yourself and if it works with myself, perfect. Let’s not have a date to figure that out, let’s just read each others manifesto, do the math and go from there.

I went on two dates last week. One girl and I had a great time and then at the end of the night she told me that she was engaged and I was her little fling and that her fiance was cool with it because he was a huge fan of mine. AWESOME!! Can’t wait to sign an autograph for that guy.

The next girl and I hit it off famously as well and we had long chats about spirituality in 2008 and books and wine, etc. It was a true and believable 1980’s pony tail moment. I told her that I was going to send her a book and she thanked me. I did. She broke our second date because she felt that the teachings of Deepak Chopra were narrow minded and vague.

The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success is vague? Okay, sorry thought that you’d like it. No? Okay…Don’t call you again? Okay - That’s it, I’m done. Not likely, because I am a romantic, but I am making copies of this and sending in advance with a red pen and a score sheet. You must do the same if you want to get with this. Ya heard! Now, get along because I gots to go rehearse with my dance troupe yo. We gots us a battle with the the third street hustla’s - I am I am I am J Chris Newberg

J Chris Newberg is a comic, actor, producer, song writer, and author living in Los Angeles and occasionally Detroit with his loyal and aging Cocker Spaniel, Flower. You can find him at jchrisnewberg.com, myspace.com/jchrisnewberg, or just google him because you know you want to. His column runs every Thursday.

Tags: columns, j chris newberg, some other sucker's parade

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