Hi Mother F*ckin’ Butterfly,

I hope you all had a fun week! I sure did and I’m ready to Hot Chip this bitch.

Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it now . Say it, say it, say it, say it, say it, say it, say it now.

Hi Amber,

Shy Girl

Hi Shy!

Thanks for writing in. I’m gonna bust out the big guns for this answer. By big guns, I don’t mean firearms that are used to murder people, I mean my friend Karen’s tits. Her jugs are huge and I think they help her with socializing. I’m gonna stare at her rack for inspiration.

START BOOB SCENE

Karen comes over, stands in front of my desk and takes off her shirt. She puts her hands on her hips and gives me the ol’ “Hurry it up” look. I squint like an Asian (they don’t squint, sorry, I’m racist), and stare at Karen’s breast implant scars. I visualize a bag of silicone sliding out of one breast and a bag of saline sliding out of the other. I get freaked out and stop visualizing. I ask God to help me help you. BOOM! I’ve got it. I give Karen ten bucks and she leaves. She’s cool like that.

END BOOB SCENE

Alright - let’s do this.

Before I give you advice, I’d like to give a mother fuckin’ shout out to your friend for sticking up for you. I live in Los Angeles, where a lot so-called friends fuel ANY shit talking conversation just to seem
cool during that particular conversation. I do this all of the time. Sorry, people I talk shit about.*

I want to give your friend a name, um, let’s call her Martha and let’s pretend she has a twin brother named Butterfly. He’s troubled and it’s because his name is Butterfly.

Moving along, stay strong.

In any other circumstance I would tell you to keep being shy. But, unfortunately you are in the business of “show” and it’s important that people get to know you off stage. You need to win everyone over until you become a big star, then you can go back to being shy (or bitchy). I’m going tell you about my own personal experience with social anxiety.

Lets say I’m hanging out with Bob, Joe, Sally and Susan. If you take Sally and Bob out of the situation, who’s left? Do you think they’d end up fucking each other? Just kidding, this isn’t a first grade pornographic math equation. This is serious business!

Ok, I’m not shy but I have been in many social situations where I’ve had absolutely nothing to say and I get panicky. One of two hallucinations happens in my mind when I panic in public; I re-live a fun childhood memory or I kill people with my signature dance move.

Basically, I imagine everyone riding on a mother fuckin’ crazy-ass-out-of-control race horse barrelin’ down the Colorado Rocky Mountains. My family is chasing the mother fuckin’ horse in a Scooby Doo-type van screaming, “Hold on to the saddle! Keep your feet in the loops! Put your hair in a pony-tail! That’s what you get for showing off!”

It’s a very intense hallucination. It’s either that or I think about foxtrotting everyone to death.

In any event, I start sweating and my heart feels like it’s going to jump out of my body and land in someone’s mouth. It’s not enough to just think about things, you need to take action.

ACTIONS YOU CAN TAKE TO OVERCOME SOCIAL ANXIETY:

- Alcohol. Drink it.

- If you’re a recovering alcoholic, DO NOT start boozin. Go outside for walk and breathe. Find a tiny burrito stand and buy a mother fuckin’ burrito. It doesn’t really have to be a mother fuckin’ burrito, it
could be a quesadilla or something. Eat it. Love it. Think about how the only things that you really need in life to survive are; Oxygen, Water, Food, and Excretion. Yeah! Breathing, drinking (non alcoholic stuff), eating and pushing waste out of a body hole, that’s it! Go back into the bar/club and share your wisdom, be sure to quote a line from Into The Wild like, “I’m going to Alaska!”

- Keep in mind that people love to talk about themselves. You can make it through the entire night just by asking people questions like: Are you adopted? Do you believe in God? What’s the worst thing that has ever happened to you? Would you like to cum on the small of my back? Do you think people who complain about traveling are mother fucking idiots? Do you think you are too young to be your age? Do you know how to do the foxtrot? Stuff like that.

- Stay close to Martha, just laugh at whatever she says OR you can start a conversation about her hypothetical weirdo twin brother, Butterfly. Tell Martha and everyone else that B-fly is a pervert. She’ll be like “What are you talking about? Who in the hell is Butterfly?” And, you can be like “You know exactly who he is. The two of you used to be a monozygote, you split into two embryos and then
shared a placenta! His name is Butterfly because your parents weren’t prepared to have two kids, it’s the only name they could think of at the time.” Then walk away. You’ll have to explain to Martha that you came up with her imaginary twin brother when she wasn’t looking, then offer to buy her a mother fuckin’ burrito.

- Finally, I think you should USE your social anxiety as a springboard for art, write a song about it! I hope you don’t mind, but I’m gonna write a rap for you. I can rap like a motherfucker. When reading this song, please read it in “rap” mode. Hear a twisted beat and manipulate the cadence when you think it’s necessary.

A MOTHER F*CKIN’ RAP ABOUT SHYNESS

People always ax me
“Giiiirlll…why you so quiet?”
It’s like they expect me to cause a riot
I don’t say a woooord, I pretend I’m a neerd

The End.

It’s really arrogant to call yourself a lyrical genius, when in fact, the words just so happen to rhyme. But, rappers are super duper cocky so I say go with it. If you think this rap was stupid…it’s because
you didn’t read it in “rap” mode. It’s your fault if it’s horrible. See, just writing this rap turned me into an asshole.

But, seriously – I think you should attempt to be a little bit more social. Get over yourself a little bit and reach out to other people. Meeting and relating to other humans is how you’ll move forward in
life (someone may offer you a gig or something) it’s how you learn about yourself (someone may fuck you over and you realize that you are an idiot and need to smarten up) or someone may genuinely care about you and change your life in a very fun way.

Oh! Let’s not forget the possibility of you meeting a shy soul mate. You can move in together, have shy kids and live quietly ever after on a mother fuckin’ butterfly farm. Or not.

Go get ‘em Shy Girl!

Peace,
Amber

*I only talk shit about 4 out of the 7 friends I have.

Amber Tozer is a stand-up comic/writer living in Los Angeles. Everyone
tells her she’s adorable, but the only thing she sees when she looks
in the mirror are two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. You can email your
questions to her at ambertozer@gmail.com. Check her out -
www.myspace.com/ambertozer

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