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Love/Hate With Brido: I Hate Your Life
There used to be a Navy commercial or something where the voiceover asked, “If they wrote a book about your life, would anybody want to read it?”
The answer, of course, is no. Even if you joined the Navy, nobody wants to read about your stupid, awful life.
But Ray Charles had a movie made about his life. So did Johnny Cash. Then I got to thinking, John McClane from Die Hard has had four days they made movies about. Not a great life spanning several decades. Four days.
Jack Bauer’s life is so interesting that they’ve made six seasons worth of real-time television shows about six days of his life. Again, nobody would want to read a book about the span of your entire shitty life. Jack Bauer has made 144 hours of quality television about six days of his life.
I think there’s a lesson here. Ray Charles and Johnny Cash just kinda sang songs. The Navy, John McClane and Jack Bauer have guns and bombs and shit. You just kinda sit at a desk, have nothing important to contribute or interesting to say, and just kind of waste everyone’s time.
You need to get a gun. And you need to kill terrorists. These terrorists aren’t just going to kill themselves. Wait. They will. But if you kill them, it’ll make that biography much better.
Mike Bridenstine is a stand-up comedian based out of Los Angeles. He is a member of Blerds.com and quite possibly the funniest person of all time. You can contact him at Myspace.com/MikeBridenstine and read his column here every Wednesday.
