The trouble with love is that it starts to own you. It rips you up and knocks you down. That’s why it’s so awesome watching certain people love things instead of people.

Recently, Steven Page of Bare Naked Ladies was arrested in a hotel room with 2 women, some marijuana and some cocaine. I have met Steven. I performed with him many years ago and let me tell you, he’s pretty cool. He made me laugh and they (BNL) put on one hell of a show.

So as a celebrity, he’s now in the spotlight for doing, in my opinion, what he is supposed to do. He is a rock star.

Let’s define rock star: Someone who writes and/or performs a few catchy tunes to the immediate or eventual adoration of the masses. In the interim, they travel by van or bus, getting drunk and dealing with loneliness until the next town when they get a hummer and maybe some cocaine and marijuana as they call their wives and pretend that they are night swimming.

Okay, so let me get this straight…a rock musician was in a hotel room? With two women? And drugs? WHY IS THIS NEWS? Verne Troyer is suing his ex-girlfriend for 20 million dollars in damages for her efforts at releasing a sex tape that they both consented to? Listen bro, this is Hollywood. You are an unattractive tiny movie star. With all due respect, because you have done quite well for yourself, but it’s as if someone microwaved Vin Diesel and then squished him. This girl would have NEVER gone out with you in a million years if you were not a famous person. So, accept it. In fact, embrace it.

What’s that you say? You don’t believe me? Ok, Kid Rock gets laid a lot because he is famous, not because he is handsome. Howard Stern, Kermit The Frog…the list goes on and on.

**CLICK HERE TO READ J CHRIS NEWBERG’S PREVIOUS COLUMN ABOUT SHARK WEEK!**

I just think it would be a way cooler world if TMZ would have been around during the Bible. Headlines would have read:

“Moses parts Red Sea then parties all night at the Jerusalem Improv!”

“Mary Magdalen releases sex tape and Jesus promises legal action or plagues.”

I am involved with no one this week, so that basically means I am sassy and saucy. I used to want a certain level of fame, but as I get older, I mostly just want to just work making people laugh. I don’t get recognized that often, but when I do, it makes me a touch uncomfortable. I am always nice, but I have no reason not to be. It’s what I am going after, so I smile and shut the F up.

Let’s talk about other recent fun headlines. Lindsay Lohan is now a lesbian? Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant to whoever came up with that one because now not a soul is talking about her drinking problem.

Shia Labeouf got a DUI? Shocking. Especially because he is a 20-something actor with a ton of money. Dear Leif Garret, bet you saw that one coming. Signed, the end of the movie.

Brad and Angelina have a new baby every few months. Maybe that’s because they have nothing to talk about. Doesn’t matter how hot you are if both of you are dull and uninteresting.

I think we love bullshit. I know I do. I am in a way perpetuating it, but before I go…I have some thoughts:

John Mayer: You are talented, handsome, funny and an amazing guitarist. Shut the fuck up about paparazzi.

Jennifer Aniston: Will someone please fuck this girl? Geez…Give her a kid already.

Paris Hilton: I don’t actually have a problem with you.

Britney Spears: Same deal..I kinda think she’s nice.

Flava Flav: Why can no one else see that South Park’s Mr Hanky has come to life?

Brett Michaels: Each new season, you successfully manage to poison the vagina’s of dozens of retarded girls.

Gene Simmons: Please don’t ever tour again.

Madonna: Knock knock..Who’s there? Mortality..so please eat a sandwich.

Justin Timberlake: Umm, you win.

I could go on. Maybe I will again, but I am going to go eat soup. I am I am I am…J Chris Newberg.

J Chris Newberg is a comic, actor, producer, song writer, and author living in Los Angeles and occasionally Detroit with his loyal and aging Cocker Spaniel, Flower. You can find him at jchrisnewberg.com, myspace.com/jchrisnewberg, or just google him because you know you want to. His column runs every Thursday.

Tags: columns, j chris newberg, some other sucker's parade

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