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Ask Amber: Beep Beep On A Possible Break Up
Dear Boom,
Hello! I got paid to get a papshmear the other day and I don’t feel like talking about it. It’ll be funny once I’m able to think of it in retrospect. Lets get to the question!
Hey Amber,
I have a question for you. My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years and we live together. I can’t stand him. I still love him, but he’s so lazy and never does what he says he’s going to do. I pay most of the rent, work 50 hours a week and do most of the stuff around the house. He’s a musician and smokes pot constantly. His friends are at our house all of the time to talk about booking shows and writing music, but all they do is smoke weed and play video games. They rarely do any shows and it’s a shame because he’s talented.
I’ve turned into a nag and I know I’m not helping by acting like a bitch, but I don’t know what else to do. He’s really sweet and nice to me and it makes me feel worse about everything. I’ll hardly even have sex with him anymore. What do I do? HELP!
Thank you,
“Sassy”
Hey Sassy,
I’m gassy and thanks for writing in. I’m sorry you are in love with a stoner with a lazy boner. Actually, I know nothing about his boner so I take the second half of the second sentence back. I hate deleting stuff, especially if the word “boner” and/or “a” is involved. I’m a wild animal!
Ok, I’m gonna break this down in my own brain. Please excuse me if my assumptions are off and please excuse me for ripping the loudest farts in the history of the universe every once in awhile. I’m on a bean dip bender.
Here we go. Breakin’ it down. Can I get a one, two? Can I get a one, two, three, four? Can I get what, what? Can I please stop doing this? Huh, yeah. No problemo.
Btw, every time you see a “BOOM!” that means I just ripped one of the loudest farts in the history of the entire universe.
YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND BREAKDOWN
You work. He doesn’t.
You are bitchy and naggy because he is lazy. He is sweet to you because he knows, that you know, he is lazy.
You are attracted to him because he is a free spirited artist. He uses the “I’m a free spirited artist” card to justify his laziness.
BOOM!
You think you can change him, motivate him and make him a success. He can’t believe you are dating him and really can’t believe you have sex with him because he’s not motivated and successful.
BOOM! BOOM!
You are full of resentment, he is full of fear and I am full of shit. These feelings are extremely toxic and are the root cause of wars, murders, addictions, kidnappings, bank robberies, domestic violence, animal cruelty, really bad movies, gingivitis, euphoria, stalking, high blood pressure, bloating, fatigue, insomnia, grammatical errors, lazy eyes, lisps, unfortunate mole placement on faces, crying babies on airplanes, passive aggressiveness, back fat, back seat driving, excessive ear wax, sleep walking and some other crap that is or isn’t true in relation to resentment, fear and shit.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Emergency stop to break down writing.
The stinky air trapped in my large intestine tube hates your situation. I had to stop breaking it down because it was breaking my asshole, thank God for emergency braking. My farts sound like the 2008 Olympic drumming Chinese boys, and I feel like the not-cute-enough-to-be-Chinese-girl who had to sing through someone else’s face during the open ceremony.
Ok, according to my flatulence - which consists of 35% Nitrogen, 25% Hydrogen, 20% Carbon Dioxide, 15% Oxygen, 4% Methane and 1% Unknown - you have to dump this dude and/or be extremely honest with him. He doesn’t sound like a keeper, but you have to realize that you are playing a major role in this drama the two of you have created and executive produced.
God…I hate to say this, and I hate hearing it when other people say it, so I’m going to say it in all caps because I’m crazy like that. YOU ARE ENABLING HIM. You are addicted to saving him, just like he’s addicted to pot, procrastination and self-destruction. You are slowly becoming the victim and it makes you feel like you have a right to bitch about everything. Take control, Sassy!
BEEP! (Sneaky squeaker fart)
Try giving him some credit. Give him the benefit of the doubt that no matter what you choose to do - he’ll be able to handle it. Ya know? Maybe if you sit him down like an adult and tell him how you really feel he’ll be inspired to start performing more. If you choose to break up with him, he’ll eventually move on. And, who the eff knows, maybe he has a list of stuff that he doesn’t like about you.
BEEP! BEEP! (That wasn’t a fart, I’m watching HERBIE THE LOVE BUG)
I think he’s been a lazy stoner from the very beginning and you have finally realized that…he’s a lazy stoner. Usually when a couple breaks up, one person grows faster than the other and begins to see the bullshit that was there the entire time. Or, one person starts fucking someone else because they feel like it and the shit hits the fan and splatters all over your miserable faces.
BEEP! BEEP! (That was the Road Runner messin’ with Wile E. Coyote’s mind.)
All I can say is - you have the power to make yourself feel better about this. Just be cool and mature about it. The two of you have been together for three years. I’m sure there are a lot of great things about your relationship. And, be clear on your intentions. If your intention is to control him, you are fucked. If your intention is to feel good, then you are the one who is going to have to take all of the action. It has nothing to do with him.
BOOM! BEEP! BA DOO WAP! MMMM BOP!
I have to go now. My ass is either a musical genius or the The Hanson Brothers just showed up. I have to figure it out.
Good luck with everything, remember all the tools you need are in YOUR box. Don’t expect your lazy ass boyfriend to dig around your hole and find them, that’s your job. So Sassy, go wash your hands and get to diggin!
Peace,
Amber
PS: BOOM!
PSS: That was a fuckin’ rip roarin earth shattering fart bomb. If anyone is interested in the history of the loudest farts in the entire universe, and thinks it’s both historical and hysterical, please email me and explain yourself (in detail). Let’s start a fartnership! If you hate farting, you are probably a pack rat or something. Ok. Bye.
Amber Tozer is a stand-up comic/writer living in Los Angeles. Everyone
tells her she’s adorable, but the only thing she sees when she looks
in the mirror are two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. You can email your
questions to her at ambertozer@gmail.com. Check her out -
www.myspace.com/ambertozer
Tags: amber tozer, ask amber, columns
August 14th, 2008 at 10:50 am
At least give the guy a good long BJ before you end it. You want to put him in a good mood when you tell him that the relationship is over.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Right again, Amber!
I DO hate farting, and I AM a packrat.
It’s like you’re reading my mind with this blog.
August 14th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
this is actually good advice. are you becoming like
a real advice columnist? it’s still really funny, but your advice is just as good as your funny stuff.
August 15th, 2008 at 5:56 am
Amber, you really seem to know what you are talking about here. It sounds right on. You are making the world a better place. Hope your intestinal condition clears up soon.
August 17th, 2008 at 12:39 am
Sneaky squeaker fart! Hahaha.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Sassy, why don’t you take your hard earned money and flush it down the toilet and make him swim for it. This way, you get to see where your money and your life are going with this person. He gets the satisfaction of actually working for money and maybe seeing how pathetic he really is as he wallows among human waste. And if we’re all lucky, you will see the kind of person he really is before you bless your children with his DNA.
PS - I meant this in the nicest possible way.