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8 Ways to Let Your Coworkers Know You Have to Take a Crap
Sometimes nature calls when you don’t want it to. Occasionally that time is while you’re at work. Here are 8 ways to let your coworkers know you’ve got to take a crap without actually having to day “I gotta go take a huge crap”.
“On My Signal, I’m Gonna Unleash Hell.”
You can combine your two favorite things to do at work - quote lines from movies and take dumps on the clock.
“I Gotta Go Talk to Patty Duke”
‘Dook’ or ‘dookie’ is a common-enough slang term for poop. ‘Patty’ makes it grosser. Plus, if your coworkers are hip to that, you can take it up a notch by saying you have to go because you’ve got “Identical Cousins”. It helps if they’ve watched Nick at Night.
“I Gotta Take the 8:15 into the City”.
It’s another way of saying you have to ‘take care of business’, but it incorporates Bachman-Turner Overdrive. And that makes you more manly.
Variations on “I’m Gonna Drop the Cosby’s Off at the Pool”.
You’ve heard this one before, we’re sure. You can also switch it up. There are plenty of other nostalgic black sitcom families to go around. The Jenkins family was on 227. The Jeffersons, the Winslows, the Banks’ or Tia and Tamera of Sister, Sister would all make excellent replacements. Or just say you have to hang with Mr. Cooper. Just make sure there are no African-American coworkers around. You’ll probably get beat up and promptly fired by HR.
“I’m Gonna Go See What Brown Can Do for Me”
It’s a UPS slogan. And shit is totally brown. Most of the time. If it’s not gonna be brown, switch out brown for whatever your ‘guess color’ is.
“I’m Gonna Tell Smithers to Release the Hounds.”
You get to use a Simpsons quote. If you do it in a shitty Mr. Burns voice you get double points.
“I Gotta Go Pitch Strikes to Pujols.”
There are plenty of baseball references that can be used. Other sports are good too. Tell them you have to “rain on the Rose Bowl”. Tell them you have to “shoot a two pointer” or get “three the hard way”.
“I’m Gonna Go Awkwardly Put My Dick Up Against the Inside of the Toilet Lid”.
Don’t ever use this one. But it’s something that happens.
We’d also love to hear your suggestions.
Comedy.com’s ListMaster is Mike Bridenstine. He is jealous of Michael Phelps.
To those of you that are visiting Comedy.com for the first time from eBaumsWorld, welcome! If you enjoyed this list, then you also might want to check out our lists of Reasons Why It’s Better To Be A College Freshman Now Than It Was In 1998, the Worst Recent Fashion Trends For Douchebags, and Denny’s Menu Items That Sound Like Dirty Sex Acts.
Tags: best of august 08, crap, lists, toilet
August 15th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
My personal favorite is “I’ve got to go nuke the fridge.”
August 16th, 2008 at 3:42 am
I once heard that WWII era men used “I got to call Hitler” as a substitute for “take a crap” I still use it when I see my old College roommate.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:10 am
Lately I’ve been saying “I’m going weapons hot!”
August 21st, 2008 at 3:54 am
“I’ve got an enemy at the gate”
August 21st, 2008 at 11:20 am
“I gotta go walk like an Egyptian.”
August 21st, 2008 at 5:15 pm
I’ve got a headlock on a mud turtle
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:14 pm
I’ve gotta go drop a “deuce”…
Or, if it’s really bad, drop a “quattro” or even an “ocho”.
August 28th, 2008 at 11:24 am
“Fire in the hole!”
August 28th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
“I just got the delivery confirmation for the deuce”
August 28th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
I usually say I have to ’smear some porcelain’
August 28th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
I’m gonna go slay the dragon
August 28th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
“I’m going to take the browns to the Super Bowl.
August 28th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
“I gotta drop the Browns off at the Super Bowl”
“I going to clock in and do some work”
“I gotta do the Snoop Dogg and Pharrell thing (drop it like its hot)”
“I’m going to make some monster cookies”
“I’m going to clone >insert coworker<”
August 28th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Gotta take the browns to the superbowl
August 28th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
“I’m gonna go send a personal message to the sewer department.”
“I’m taking the Browns to the Super Bowl.”
“Ithink I’m touching cotton.”
August 28th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
I always use “I gotta go do some paperwork.”
August 28th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
“I’ve gotta go fill the porcelain bowl.”
“Time to release the prairie dogs.”
August 28th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
i need to go to my office and do some paperwork.
i need to go send a fax.
August 28th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
I Gotta take a shit
August 28th, 2008 at 9:46 pm
“I’ve gotta drop a stink pickle.”
“I’ve gotta pinch a loaf.”
“I’ve gotta a turtle head pokin’ out.”
“I need to make an offer to the porcelain god.”
“I’m off to do some power squeezin’.”
August 28th, 2008 at 11:08 pm
“I’ve gotta go make a deposit at the porcelain bank”
“I’ve taken a turd for the worse”
“Back in a flush”
“I gotta go drop some bombs on crapistan”
August 28th, 2008 at 11:09 pm
Or, if you’re at a buffet: “I’m gonna go make some more room”
August 29th, 2008 at 12:00 am
Drop off the kids
August 29th, 2008 at 5:22 am
i’m going to feed the sewer aligators.
dropping the kids off at the pool.
i’m going to take a Shloski (name of a restaurant in my area)
August 29th, 2008 at 5:39 am
I gotta unload some freight and do some paperwork.
August 29th, 2008 at 6:29 am
It’s time to release some hostages.
August 29th, 2008 at 8:42 am
gotta go make soft serve
August 29th, 2008 at 9:20 am
“I gotta go set off the fire alarm.”
“I gotta go cave in the survivors.
August 29th, 2008 at 10:39 am
im sending free willie to the ocean
August 29th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
i use this one in my office, “guys if anyone comes by looking for me tell them that I am taking a shit.”
August 29th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
“I gotta go park a darky”
“I’m going to launch the Brown October”
“…Headed to the library” (I’m an avid toilet reader)
“You smell something? I’ll go check it out.” (In my best Chris Farley’s Tommy Boy voice)
August 29th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
i got a report from fort ass. general shit is on the way
August 29th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
I gotta take a doosey of a two-sie
August 29th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
I gotta go feed Mr. Toilet.
August 29th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
I gotta shazzle dazzle
I’m about to get turd burgled
The turd burgular just paged me
I shouldn’t have ate those mini-wheats
My stomach is in a shitty mood
I gotta shia tsu
Call afghanistan i gotta shiite
August 29th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
“I have to take the Browns to the Superbowl.”
August 30th, 2008 at 10:12 am
Gotta go write a Clinton campaign speech.
August 30th, 2008 at 11:30 am
I have to take a Tony Dungy.
August 30th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
“I gotta go lose some weight.”
August 30th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
for the cleveland fans “I’m gonna take the browns to the superbowl”
September 3rd, 2008 at 2:44 am
“I’m Gonna Go Awkwardly Put My Dick Up Against the Inside of the Toilet Lid”. i lol’d so hard at that. im glad im not the only person that happens to
October 28th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
I’ve gotta drop Mr. Brown off at the pool.
December 1st, 2008 at 8:29 pm
I have to give birth to your baby brother
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:58 pm
“I’ve gotta go paint the porcelein bowl.”
“I’m going to unleash my fury.”
December 12th, 2008 at 8:52 am
I’ve gotta grow a monkey tail!
December 15th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
im going to release some african hostages
im going to bomb some submarines
January 2nd, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Goin to free the slaves.