Hi Doozy-Dicks,

How are you guys? That’s awesome. No seriously, keep doing things.

I want to reference hot topics real quick – The Democratic National Convention, the Olympics, war, rape, poverty, and Dancing with the Stars! Go Jeffrey Ross!

Ok, great!

Lets get to the question.

Hey Amber,

Thanks in advance from a white guy.
Bob

Hi Bing Bang Bob,

Thanks for writing in. I don’t understand why you are waiting until the last minute to contemplate your lack of ethnic sexploration. This question is a doozy-dick of a dilemma. I’ll go to my go to resource
for some inspiration.

Knock knock. Who’s there? It’s Craigslist! Ok. Come on in. Leave your shoes on.

I’m going to post an ad for you in the RANTS AND RAVES section.

SUBJECT: I NEED ADVICE. I’M WHITE AND I’M GETTING MARRIED

Thanks!
Bob

Cut to: 32 Hours Later. I only got two responses. Check it:

RESPONSE ONE

Hi Bob,

White Guy Jim

MY OPINION ABOUT THIS RESPONSE

Guys are soooooo crazy.

RESPONSE TWO

Hey Bob,

Old Biddy

MY OPINION ABOUT THIS RESPONSE

Biddy’s still bangin! I love how she’s cruisin’ random Craigslist ads offering up sexual wisdom. Maybe you should email Biddy, Bob.

END OF RESPONSES

Jim and Biddy are the only people who care about your doozy-dick. I’m curious as to what would happen if I posted the same ad, but as a woman. I’ll just switch the gender stuff around.

POSTED AD LADY STYLE IN THE RANTS AND RAVE SECTION

Cut to: 9 minutes later.

HOLY SHIT. My MacBook* is gonna explode before it votes for Obama in a swing state! I’ve received 23 responses already. Let’s check a few out.

RESPONSE ONE

Can you handle 9 inches from a hot bodied latino?

MY OPINION ABOUT THIS RESPONSE:

Whoa 9 inches! I think any woman can handle that, Jose.

RESPONSE TWO

Ahahahaha I love ur ad! LOL. I dont think ud be down for me tho.. I’m sexy.. But I’m 18. Very mature for my age. Old soul. I’m down tho If u hit me back. Black/ filipino mix. 6 ft. 165. Lean nd toned.

MY OPINION ABOUT THIS RESPONSE

He sounds sexy in that teenage, old soul sort of way. LOL.

RESPONSE THREE (this guy sent a picture!)

First, you need to meet with me, drop to your knees and suck like your life depended on it. Second, we switch: I love to orally please. Lastly, I will kiss every inch of your body and make you scream for my pole. I’m free now.

MY OPINION ABOUT THIS RESPONSE

Stop smiling, shave your beard and quit being bossy while I boss you around.

RESPONSE FOUR

Yeah, RIGHT. Go to Century on Figueroa when it’s dark, wearing something slutty and you’ll get 12″ of black dick in EVERY ONE OF YOUR HOLES. THAT SHOULD DO IT FOR YOU, FUCKING IGNORANT TWAT.

MY OPINION ABOUT THIS RESPONSE

This guy’s email address was lonelywhiteguy@smallpenis.cock

END OF THIS.

I’m getting a lot of responses. Most of them are sent from Blackberry’s, iPhone’s and dudes at coffee shops asking “me” to meet them RIGHT NOW.

I feel like ranting and raving, I’ll offer up some other suggestions between rants by channeling my alter ego, counteracting each suggestion with my real self in (). () sort of looks like a vagina. Whatever. Just read.

I’ve been trying to understand men more. I know that a man’s primary purpose is to spread sperm, which is constantly being produced in their ball sacks and they have to cum or it feels uncomfy. Understanding this offers some clarity on why they always have to “jizz now”, but it’s still not enough to justify their grossness (for me anyway).

Suggestion: Why don’t you punch yourself in the doozy-dick after eating a burrito or Lo Mein. (Only do this if you want too).

I think it takes a guy with a lot of courage and wisdom to control his sexual needs to protect the feelings of the woman he is involved with. Sex is a big emotional deal for most women, even women who are into casual sex. It sucks that more men can’t reach some level of sexual control, or at least be honest about random bangs. I’ve met amazing men and I know this is possible. And, I know everything because I’m a google gal.

Suggestion: Ask a brown dog to bark at your balls. (Be careful.)

If women displayed their emotions like men display their boners, a lot of men would be decapitated and castrated and the human race would end right after Lorena Bobit said something like “It’s good to be back.” Huh?

Suggestion: Turn your cock into a sock puppet and have it say, “I have a dream!” (Mocking an infamous moment in black history using a cock-sock isn’t worth the trouble.)

Men should try to control their doozy-dicks or stay in a dark room and whack off until they die. I know I jest about sex and my dick jokes are awesome, but guys can be scary. Especially really insecure guys who have mastered manipulation and their girlfriends usually end up playing second fiddle to other women, a career and/or an addiction.

Suggestion: Ask your fiancé if she’ll watch a porno with you. It’ll be called WE AREN’T WHITE AND WE WANNA FUCK YOU UNTIL YOUR HEART STOPS BEATING II. (I wonder who’s in WAWAWWFYUYHSB 1.)

I know women can be awful, but that’s a different rant.

Suggestion: Tape your cock and balls to your ass crack and put the lotion in the basket. (Silence that asian lamb!)

Bob, in closing put your lady’s feelings before your doozy-dick. Don’t be sexually selfish because I think women are tapping into a leadership type of collective consciousness and you might regret your
disrespect in a few years.

I have to go. All this man bashing makes feel like having sex with someone I’m not “committed” to. I’ll be crying over this in a couple of months.

Love ya! Men are from Mars! Women are from Venus! Don’t ever change!

Peace,
Amber

*Strategic product placement, people. Dolla dolla billz, ya’ll.

Amber Tozer is a stand-up comic/writer living in Los Angeles. Everyone
tells her she’s adorable, but the only thing she sees when she looks
in the mirror are two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. You can email your
questions to her at ambertozer@gmail.com. Check her out -
www.myspace.com/ambertozer

Tags: amber tozer, ask amber, columns

• Ask Amber: Rub This On Your Body For American Dogs
• Ask Amber: OK Porn, Jesus, & Where Farts Go To Die
• Learn How To Make A Hot Girl Laugh
• Love/Hate With Brido: Why I Still Hate Hillary
• Check Out Our New Ask Amber Videos!

This entry was posted on Monday, August 25th, 2008 at 1:57 pm and is filed under Funny Articles. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.