The 9 Worst Recent Fashion Trends for Douchebags
Are you a male douchebag? If you are then you probably own one of the following fashion items. Comedy.com’s fashion correspondent, Mike Burns, gives us the 9 worst recent fashion trends for douchebag guys.
9. Shirts That Make You Look Like You Have Full Sleeve Arm Tattoos
Dressing up like Tommy Lee on Halloween wouldn’t be cool, let alone on a night out to a shitty club. No one likes you.
8. Any Sort of Armband Tattoo
Unless you’re a UFC fighter, you should be made fun of for the rest of your life for that horrible mistake.
7. Ed Hardy Anything
Even black people couldn’t make that awful ugly garbage look cool.
6. Sketchers
You own these? Then you shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a mall. You can’t seem to handle yourself.
Do you shit in the water fountains there too? There’s a good chance that you do if you also think it’s ok to buy shoes from Sketchers.
5. Those Stupid Giant Plug Earrings That Stretch Your Earlobe All To Fucking Hell
Nice work. It’ll take some attention away from your face tattoo when you’re 50 years old and still listening to Sublime. Always best to spread the ugly around on your entire face. That way no one will notice that your dreads are balding or that you’ve obviously been molested as a grade schooler.
It also means that you have an excuse to never stop doing heroin.
4. Dirty White Baseball Hats With “Cocks” Or “Beavers” On Them That College Jerkoffs Wore/Wear
Frats suck. Do your own thing, kids. Learning how to score your own pussy and booze is much more gratifying and valuable than having it given to you by someone who previously made you think you were drinking their piss.
3. Hemp Choker Necklaces and/or Puka Shell Necklaces
AGAIN, frats suck. Do your own thing kids. Using your independence as a young adult to find your own identity is much more gratifying and valuable than dressing like an Abercrombie advertisement just because your “bro” who previously made you put your balls in a tub of sour cream while he watched buys all of his accessories in Cancun .
2. Shirts With Flames On Them
If it’s the bowling shirt style? You have man tits that you’re hiding and are impotent at 34.
If it’s on a t-shirt? Your favorite band is the Offspring and you probably kiss your best guy friend sometimes, just until you get hard ons, then you’re both all like, “We have to stop Kevin! We’re not gay! My mom could come in my room any second! What are we doing?!!”
Then you watch each other masturbate because you don’t have the balls to fuck like men.
1. Yellow Lance Armstrong Bracelets
They’re for cancer awareness?
No, they’re to remind everyone how Lance USED TO have cancer but now he’s totally ok so let’s worship him in the tradition of Christ lovers wearing crucifixes.
Lance Armstrong thinks he’s better than you. Fuck him.
Awareness for your ball cancer? Sure, go hand those out in the terminal ward to lung cancer victims on their last punch of the life time clock. I’m sure that’ll be a real ray of sunshine. Maybe you can show them your piss colored bike while you oil up Matt McConaughey’s waxed pecs in front of some bald Leukemia kids while your at it. Good thing you sold all those dollar bracelets to hillbillies and asshole stockbrokers to wear with their suits. Everything’s gonna be just fine now thanks to all that publicity Nike and Lance got.
Which is why they made them in the first place. Notice the procedes from the buck a bracelets went to cancer research, but the 80 dollar Lance Armstrong inspired jackets and jersey’s went into Phil Nike and Armstrong’s pockets.
Armstrong’s a load.
Tags: douchebag, douchebags, ed hardy, fashion trends, lists, men's fashion trends
August 26th, 2008 at 1:18 am
You missed the single biggest one:
FLIP FLOPS WITH JEANS
Formerly gay-only territory, now accepted by the masses. Who all need to be slapped.
August 27th, 2008 at 6:35 am
Affliction shirts.
August 27th, 2008 at 6:47 am
procEEds
August 27th, 2008 at 6:57 am
I think the single worst fashion trend is these little idiots running around with their pants hanging half way of thier butts accompanied by a wife beater.
Every time I see these nerds, I make it a point to let them know their pants are falling down.
They are ushualy about 95 lbs and know every word to all the new rap songs yet can seem to put the same effort into knowing their school lessons.
August 27th, 2008 at 7:01 am
I agree with everything EXCEPT #1 - the Yellow Livestrong bracelets. While there are some who wear them just to be fashionable (i.e., 13 year olds), most of the adults I know who wear them - including myself - do so to honor family members and friends who have died from cancer.
Say what you will about Lance Armstrong (I agree he’s a douche 99% of the time as well - mostly in his personal pursuits), but don’t shit on the proceeds he raises to finding a cure for cancer. THAT is a douche move.
August 27th, 2008 at 7:11 am
Here’s a couple more that def. belong on the list:
1. Jean Shorts / Jorts
2. Jerseys anywhere outside of a sports bar
3. Socks and Sandals
August 27th, 2008 at 7:23 am
Giant hoop earrings, the opposite of those obnoxious disc earrings you mentioned. They’re like J-Lo hoops, only on dumb white pricks.
August 27th, 2008 at 8:13 am
This list would have been really funny if you posted it 10 years ago, the only current thing on your list are Ed Hardy shirts. Please try again.
August 27th, 2008 at 8:14 am
This should have been posted 5 years ago… two thumbs down!
August 27th, 2008 at 9:17 am
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August 27th, 2008 at 9:24 am
The piercing isn’t really something that’s come about recently, although still douchey.
Nothing wrong with Sublime
August 27th, 2008 at 9:38 am
How old is this list? all this… besides the Ed Hardy, and the sleeve shirt thing is basically about 10 years old. Douchebags ruined the great name of Ed Hardy, not even people who get tattoos wear his clothing. I’d have to disagree with the earplugs, anything that involves physical pain for their fashion isn’t going to be endorsed by said douches… see #9
August 27th, 2008 at 9:41 am
Lance Armstrong is a douche, and now I guess I should be glad that I no longer wear bowling shirts to hide my man boobs.
btw, socks with sandals aren’t douchey, they’re just plain stupid looking. Old men wear socks with sandals, and most old guys don’t care–that’s not douchey.
(btw I will be wearing sock with sandals sooner than later, so that’s my self defense)
August 27th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
This…
…sucks.
August 27th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Where are the fauxhawks?
August 27th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
jeans and flip flops that is all
August 27th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Uh… popped collars? I think this list was supposed to be the 10 worst fashion trends for douchebags, but number one (being popped collars) was accidentally forgotten.
August 27th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
Maybe if you live in the midwest there’s a problem with jeans and flops, but here on the shore, or anywhere there’s a beach, its perfectly acceptable, and even fashionable, socks and sandles…that always sucks (but it makes the rest of us look better!)
August 27th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Say whatever the hell you want about Lance Armstrong, but making fun of a dude who beat three different types of cancer at the same time just makes YOU sound like a douche. I won’t even mention the fact that he’s one of the most accomplished athletes in all of history. The bracelets are a sign of hope, and the infallibility of the human spirit. That shit is important to people.
Whoever wrote this article is one of those shitty new-age comedians that think humor really means bashing contemporary culture. You’re a waste of oxygen, Mike Burns.
August 27th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Even black people couldnt make (Ed Hardy clothes) look cool.
I dont really like that comment because you guys made it kinda racial for no reason.
Im a Black woman and I do see my male counterparts wearing these clothes but White people do too. So WTF?
August 27th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
and by the way they dont look cool either. Its right up there with those tattoo sleeve t-shirts.
They suck as much as people who actually have tattoos all over their arms, especially women of any race.
August 27th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Fauxhawks should be on here. I have to agree on that. That’s punk rock taken so deep into the mainstream it has no balls left. “I want to look like a rebel if I want, but also fit in to corporate culture! Neato!” What a joke. People I know used to have nohawks just to make fun of mohawks, in 1996. What’s a nohawk? Shave a stripe down the middle of your head. THAT was a sign WITHIN the counterculture that the point of __hawk cuts was lost. And now, over ten years later, people try to have mohawks without actually having mohawks. Weenies. Those things originally were never done for fashion. It was anti-fashion, anti-conformity, anti-corporate, and I’m willing to bet many morons with fauxhawks would be nervous about people with mohawks, let alone nohawks. “But they can’t look normal when they need to! I’m going to listen to Dynamite Boy and ignore them. . .”
Everything else on this list is pretty stupid and overdone, refusing to die for over a decade. Funny thing is, this list is still good because people still do it all.
Come to think of it, you should have added tattoos in general to the list.
My message to you all: Forget trying to “look different” in an attempt to be unique, you are over two decades too late. Mohawks, liberty spikes, hard-to-ignore tattoos, piercings, leather and hemp DIY jewelry, and numerous other things were done in dissent and rebellion against our screwed up, materialistic, vain society. They quickly became vain, too, even within the subcultures. But, the rest of society still got their panties in knots over it, so it worked. If you adopt them NOW for vain reasons, you are conforming. Something else will happen in some dark corner of the times, and you, with your fauxhawk and tattoo, will call them distateful.
August 27th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Armband tattoos are as big a mistake as your mother having you.
August 27th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Wearing a cocks hat is toolish only if you ddidn’t go to the school, Go GAMECOCKS
August 27th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
You forgot the BIGGEST - and more current one - dipshits with their fucking hats “cocked” or whatever the fuck you call it when you’re too goddamn retarded to put on a fucking ballcap.
Oh, and lest we forget the faggots that “pop that collar!”
August 27th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Popped collars are the stupidest things ever. When combined with a hemp necklace, cocked hat, and a pair of Real TRee Crocs you have what is known in Gulf Shores, AL as “The Super Poser Man” - especially if he drives a Chevy.
August 27th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
how about people that make worst recent fashon trends lists for douchebags as number #10 with a bullet
August 27th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
this article had potential, but you managed to fuck it up by using the same “joke” twice.
‘frats suck. Do your own thing kids” Topical.
August 27th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
These were all funny except the nike/lance armstrong one… the truth is auite disgusting as you noted… lance armstong should be strung up by the balls if he still has them…. he is truly fraud and a cunt.
August 27th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
Real Tree ANYTHING should be on this list. UNless you’re a hunter - IN A TREE or other wooded area - you should not be wearing that shit. If I see you wearing it on the side of the road I’m gonna hit you and pretend I didn’t see you.
August 27th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
1) Popped collars
Baggy pants hanging down
2) Aviator sunglasses
3) Crocs (unless you are 6 yo or younger)
4) Faux-hawks
5) Bluetooth earpiece
6) Hipsters who are still into all that ’50s hot-rod b-horror movie bullshit (it was cool until like ‘91)
7) Camo hat, pants, anything
9) Giant headphones (too cool for earbuds?)
10) Chicks who are douchebags: Ugg boots
11) Tattoos
In sum, attention whores are douchebags.
August 27th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
WTF - my #8 got turned into some stupid emoticon
August 27th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
The torn up hat thing is as fucking stupid as pants with mysteriously dirty looking markings on them. If we keep going down this avenue one day you won’t be trendy unless you have the new Juicy Coulture will work for food homeless sign accessory.
August 27th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
Herman Puncher is a moron. The Fauxhawk is a great way to incorporate punk fashion, into the mainstream to some degree. It’s not selling out per se, it’s bringing a musical consious to an ignoramus Jack *YAWN*son, John Mayer listening public. People who are exclusive about their “scene” are big douches themselves…including members of the punk scene who think like you. Only difference, you don’t look like a doushe, you just act like one. …really, I wonder why those Inland Empire lifted truck bros never made the list.
August 27th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
Whoever thinks balding dreads aren’t awesome needs to spend some time with Devin Townsend.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:10 am
My father is dealing with cancer. Myself, including my immediate family wear the “Livestrong” bracelets. It gives my father a sense of hope, SO FUCK YOU.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:43 am
i dont think its right dissing armstrong like that, yea he may be a douch but he got fucked by the world and lived thru it. he has the right to be a douch, i honestly wouldnt care if i was a douch if i lived thru wat he has.
August 28th, 2008 at 6:35 am
Thouroughly entertained by the list…My old man died of cancer… we’re from Austin, TX. He served one tour in Vietnam…I served two tours in Iraq. Before he died he wore a livestrong bracelet, I still wear one and all of my sisters do too. I understand the rest of the list (including the aforementiond popped collars-exceptional proof of doochebaggery). Mike Burns, you are a worthless piece of shit. I’d love to hear you say what you wrote to my face.
August 28th, 2008 at 7:09 am
I saw jorts, but I think we need to include sheens.
Jean shorts– the official pants of the Universities of Florida and Tennessee as well as Clemson University. People who wear them are most likely to utter the phrase, “Hey Y’all watch ‘iss!” right before they have a tragic accident.
August 28th, 2008 at 9:41 am
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August 28th, 2008 at 11:09 am
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August 28th, 2008 at 11:56 am
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August 28th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
You’re an unoriginal tool trying to be funny. Go back to your day job at Starbuck’s.
August 28th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
wow you people r a bunch of fucking morons only because ur trying to rag on peoples styles because u have nothing better to do
August 28th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
I agree with you, but why do you care what dudes wear?
August 28th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
this was brilliant, thanks for putting this up
for more on douchebags check out: http://www.douchewatcher.com
August 28th, 2008 at 11:24 pm
I HAVE CANCER.
Hence, my family members wear the bracelets.
I don’t like Lance Armstrong per se, but don’t bash the charity.
August 29th, 2008 at 9:02 am
Most of these trends are old. A current fave of douchebags is plaid shorts.
September 4th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
I have to agree with the others here. Most of these trends are pretty old and out of date. I guess that makes them belong here even more in some ways.
If you’re going to have old stuff you might as well have put the ultimate in douche fashion…the mullet.
September 7th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
The two old guys on Sunset Tan that dress ridiculously age-inappropriate; especially the one with the frosted spiked hair bullshit and the leather bracelets. That dude is a walking train wreck of a fashion fuck up.
September 18th, 2008 at 9:38 am
What the hell. Why are you guys ragging on Ed Hardy? BOOOOOOOO
October 11th, 2008 at 9:12 am
god hates you, Tyler… obviously
do you think buying a rubber arm band will do anytihng for RESEARCH?
you are all tools!
If you REALLY want to support a good cause, go to your nearest Medical Research facility, blow your head off, and say “donate to medical research”
and stop consuming anything that is “diet”
trendy douches.
October 22nd, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Skinny jeans. nuf said.
LB,
Tattooes that people have put some thought into and have a legit story behind them are an incredibly cool artform. I am heavily tattooed. Each has a story of a place I have traveled or a personal meaning. I have no arm bands, no frat letters, no lame Asian characters, or anything cliche like that, and nothing that has been picked off of the wall in a studio that a hundred other people may have picked too.
October 22nd, 2008 at 3:17 pm
I wear my LiveStrong wristband for my grandmother who died of cancer in Dec. I never take it and I wear it to honor her.
The charity is a good cause. It’s those douchebags who wear the wrist bands and have no reason why they wear it.
October 22nd, 2008 at 3:20 pm
BTW, you forgot popped collars
wearing two collars shirts at the same time
those who purposly buy tight shirts
wearing anything pink
wearing MLB caps tilted to the side and having it match your shirt (specifically NY hats, when they aren’t even from the city)
October 22nd, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Waaaaaaay out of line for the Lance Dig. Hopefully you never need the developments from the research made possible by the proceeds from those bracelets. Makes a compelling list though, right? Putting something so shocking that it makes this post get comments? Good, true, douche move.
October 22nd, 2008 at 10:30 pm
Oh, where could I possibly start with these teenage/young pricks. Let’s start at the head. I hate those fucking gatsby hats that make kids look so much more ” down to earth ” and ” peasant like “. Fuck off, you look like your grandfathers. The ripped or dirty look for hats when they are brand new is another look I would happily do without. Ripped and dirty is associated with memories and the hat having years of character ( not real common with the pricks themselves ) built into it. Another one that is fairly old are the gang hats aka/novelty New York Yankee hats. The symbol is that of a Yankee fan. Can’t you make your own goddamn symbol? Next to be nailed to the cross are these painterish looking caps. It is over fashioned, over tailored, overly urban while trying to look ” ghetto “. The faux hawk under the hat is my last mode of attack. This stupid uncommittal piece of shit on your skull doesn’t even deserve space, so I won’t waste it.
The first one for the body, I agree with what was already mentioned previously. These stupid wooden or bone chokers. Firstly, chokers are worn by women and while I do understand most men are close enough to count as women within the past few years, you aren’t, quit trying. The Affliction gear I agree with, it was cool as a conceptual look, until every little dingbat on the fucking block bought it trying to be original. My third gripe is a double whammy. I firstly hate the long sleeves under the short sleeves. In its very earliest days when the world wasn’t comprized of complete Nancy Boy men, it was a grunge look. It wasn’t ” went for ” it just happened. The little scumbags now ” go for it ” thinking it looks fashionable and retro while completely missing the fucking point. The tattoo sleeve version of this has already been nailed so to hell with going further there. Last on the docket in terms of torso/arm malfunctions is the tattoo getter for the sake of getting it. Tattoos are supposed to be a true and specific symbol of something. On the same front, only certain people are really meant to have them and you can always tell the other people. They are these squeaky clean assholes who at worst might have smoked a joint in their bedrooms when their parents were gone, with 5 tattoos on both arms and that unsightly growth they call a tattoo on their neck being another possibility to look real tough.
As for the legs/pants portion of the program. The real low and baggy style has always sucked, pull the fucking things up end of story. On the contrary the really tight pair of jeans on Mr. Chicken Legs doesn’t look a hell of a lot better. What is their point? Showing off the ass they probably don’t have? Squeezing their balls off when that has already been done through the growth process in society? The dirty and pre ripped look is another one that pisses me off to no end. Same fucking deal with the hats. Little cocksuckers with no character trying to make a look that exudes character. Another one that seems to go with old douchebags and young alike are these Nancy Boy capri pants. Call me crazy, but the last time I checked were capris not a woman’s piece of clothing? If you want to be a woman chop the remaining inch of your cock off, take the balls with it and be one. If you want to look like a male as the rest of us, pants or shorts? Make up your mother fucking mind.
I have one general annoyance to go along with this. The concept of ” going for it “. Years ago, people just were what they were, they didn’t announce it, didn’t care to explain it in much detail, they just were what they were. These little, ankle biting, numb nuts take the old days of not really giving a shit and they miss the boat by self promoting, announcing themselves as something which turns a sub culture into a trend thus making it permanently pussified and completely irrelevant within 6 months.
October 28th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
i see you guys erased my comment about you douchebags saying that even black people couldn’t make ed hardy clothing look cool.
Using race as apart of your joke does not make you funny.
November 26th, 2008 at 10:41 am
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January 3rd, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Firstly, John G, get your own blog you idiot. It’s people like you who cause webmasters to use character-limits. If it isn’t bad enough that you just lumped all young people into the same category, you write practically another article in a comment with a higher word count than the original damn post.
Secondly, why does anyone wanting a tattoo need your (or anyone’s) stamp of moron approval on their reasons for getting it? Tattoos are personal, people can get whatever the fuck they want, because THEY want it, not because you’ve checked to make sure it fits your definition of “unique” or not. That’s just arrogant.
I keep hearing all this bullshit about how “oh each one has to have a STORY, it has to HONOR something or be so DEEP and MEANINGFUL for my specific enjoyment”. How about no, fuck off? Stop telling everyone how to do things. Jesus, lately every moron who watches Miami Ink is now a fucking overnight expert on tattoos. Think for yourself for once.
And unlike John G, I’m now going to go over to my blog and write an article about this article and comment. So come check it out if you like what you see here.
Do svidaniya
January 8th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Agree. 100%. And everyone writing a goddamn essay on how they don’t like the article needs to peel their underwear off Daddy’s computer chair and go outside. And probably look identical to one or more people described here.
January 8th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
Damn it! 5 out of 9… I’m sure that makes me a douchbag huh?
January 14th, 2009 at 6:18 am
You Lance armstrong fuckers go home! If you think wearing a bloody stupid ruber fuck is goiing to save anyone from dying, welll that’s your thing, but do not get off here. It is the singlest most fucked thing to do, next to wear the What Would Jesus do Ruber shit.
If you want charity give the money away without getting something, giving is not meant to be a trade off. And do not buy ruber shit that are produced by bloody children in China.
Learn to think beyond the! And do not Adam&Eve everything a bloody fucking 2nd class celebrety brables in sunday morning TV shows.
January 14th, 2009 at 6:20 am
hallo?
February 1st, 2009 at 12:05 am
Ten bucks says the douchebag who wrote this article only knows about these trends because he conforms to all of them. Of course it would take the ultimate douchebag to make fun of other douchebags, becuase most douchebags obviously don’t realize they are douchbags. Looks like somebody needs a little more self-awareness. And whoever runs this dumbass website needs to figure out how to recruit decent writers who can make jokes without being condescending, worthlessly insulting, and generally incompetant and idiotic.