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The 12 Worst People Who Are Always on Your Flight
The first time you ride on a plane is exciting. Every time after that is aggravating. After a while, you start to see a pattern. The same horrible people you hated from your last flight are back in the form of a different person on your next flight. Here are the worst 12 people who are always on your flight. Yes, it’s airplane jokes. Let’s all get over ourselves…
1. The Fat Guy
Why do the fat Guinness Book motorcycle twins have to sit on either side of us on the plane? Can you have the fattest human you can find and have them take up all of our space in our seat? We’re practicing to be a human contortionist. Can you do that? If it’s not too much to ask, can you have them breathe as heavily as possible too? Who wants to sleep, anyway?
2. The Coming Back From Vegas Guy
Listen, man. We’re sure you have plenty of craaaazy stories. But you smell like a trashcan covered in Jager. You don’t have to rub your good times and annoying anecdotes in our faces. Thanks for quoting Swingers too, douchebag.
We should also mention that we’ve been this guy.
3. The Foreign Guy Who Doesn’t Understand The Seatbelt Sign.
Really? You don’t hear the noise and understand the fucking sign that is telling us to sit in our seats, foreigner? That international sign for seatbelts isn’t computing? Listen, none of us want to be sitting on an airplane. But you aren’t above the law. Why don’t you go suck at life back in your assigned seat.
4. The Baby.
The crying is annoying. But sometimes we make ourselves feel better by pretending the baby’s suffering is sweet justice for them kicking the back of our seat and shitting themselves during the flight. Say to yourself, “I hope whatever it is you’re crying about hurts, baby. I hope it hurts real bad”.
5. The Family of 8.
Wow, you’re all spit up in different isles but feel the need to shout your stupid inside jokes and bullshit to each other. “Mom, do you want an extra pillow?” “Whaaat?” “Do you want and extra pillow?” “What?” Is it possible for this plane to go down, but for only the 8 of you do die?
6. The Terrorist.
We shouldn’t have seen United 93 or whatever it was called. We shouldn’t have payed attention to the news 7 years ago. Don’t tell me you’ve never tried to play ‘Guess the terrorist’. He’s on your plane and you’ve got him in your peripheral.
7. The Girl in a Velour Jump Suit.
Thanks for dressing up, Raven. We get it. You’re above this. But your sunglasses and plane pajamas are a little insulting. Even though you’re kind of hot.
8. The Guy Who Can’t Figure Out the Overhead Compartment
Great. Thanks for slowing us all down, fuck face. Let’s take off and leave based on how stupid you are. Good thing you make a dumb face while you struggle with shutting the overhead door. Man, you suck.
9. The Over-Sharer.
No, no we don’t care where you’re flying or about anyone in your family. No, we don’t want to talk about ourselves with you, creep show. Read your book and leave everybody alone.
10. The Cell Phone Guy
Man, this guy really loves talking on the phone. Is it possible for you to speak loudly into your Palm Pilot until the exact moment the flight attendant tells you to turn it off? It is? Well, that’s terrific. We know that when we’re on a cell phone conversation, we also want a plane full of people to hear about it.
11. Loud Headphones Guy
What is that - Slayer? Why can we hear it as loud as you can? Why do you have no idea?
12. Small Bladder Lady
You’ve gotten up to pee 6 times now. Maybe you shouldn’t advertise that you have a messed-up bladder or vagina or whatever.
Okay. What did we miss? Feel free to tell us.
Comedy.com’s ListMaster is Mike Bridenstine. His diet is making him crabby.
Tags: airplane, airplane humor, lists, plane humor
August 30th, 2008 at 11:42 am
1) The person who doesn’t seem to realize their carry-on is wider then they are and proceed to hit everyone with it as they head to their seat which is inevitably in the last row of the plane.
2)The asshole that always seems to be sitting behind me and thinks that my seat back is for his own personal use to leverage his fat ass (see your #1) out of his seat.
3) The douche that believes the arm rests are his/her own personal property and shouldn’t have to be shared.
4)The sick person who doesn’t bother to bring a tissue or take any cough medicine or cover their mouth while they spread their ebola to the unsuspecting public.
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:45 am
You forgot the scared shitless freak, who you always end up sitting next too. This guy demands the window seat, turns a shade of green whilst sweating profoundly at the thought of blowing up mid flight, or some shit of the sort. He ends up resorting to drinking copious amounts of gin, loosing that little control over his flatulence he once had. He begins to place you on edge.
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:05 am
Tip: Women don’t pee through thier vaginas. Thought you might want to know.
October 24th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
13. That annoying blogger who sits in back, silently judging everyone, reeking of cheap brandy, and resentment. He sits thinking about that one run to vegas he had, and how he hate the guy who recently got to enjoy it. He’s mad at that hot girl in skimpy clothes, because he will never be able to fuck her. He hates everyone on the plane, not for any real, logical reason, but because they exist, on that plane, at that time, for him to belittle.
October 29th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
^ best comment ever.