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9 Reasons Why Maxim Magazine and Their Readers Are Horrible
We’re always happy to hear from our correspondent, Mike Burns. Here is his list of 9 Reasons Why Maxim Magazine and Their Readers Are Horrible.
9. Men who are confident in their sexuality don’t whack around their pink ranger to Maxim Magazine.
Over airbrushed photos of unattainable women who have been rendered even MORE flawless makes them even harder to stiffen up for. Do you sit in your shitty car, close your eyes, and pretend it’s a Ferrari? No. Because that’s stupid.
And because of the make-up and lighting they choose, that photo of Megan Fox you wanted to play tugboat with, doesn’t even look like Megan Fox anymore. So now you’re getting slap happy over someone that technically doesn’t exist.
Show me pictures of Kate Hudson in the morning with fucked up bedhead, 3 zits, and wearing a ratty little t-shirt and boycut underpants. All hungover and wanting to get the cobwebs fucked out of her. At least on SOME small level that’s a scenario you can familiarize with.
Not Mila Kunis in a 5,000 dollar Louis Vuitton bikini on a yacht in San Tropez, surrounded by live pythons and enough glossy enamel on her mug to make her look like an Oscar statue. I can’t even PRETEND I would ever be remotely in a scenario like that on any level, let alone get my slinky ready to go down the stairs about it.
Maxim is what closeted meathead gay guys beat off to so they can keep telling themselves they like pussy.
8. If you read Maxim Magazine, you probably wear Axe Bodyspray and think it’ll get you laid.
Women are attracted to pheromones, not some shit you bought in the deodorant aisle at the grocery store. You stink like the inside of a 45-year-old Jersey guido’s Mustang.
And IF you DO get laid by some chick because you’re wearing Axe Bodyspray, then I hope you like going to the doctor for shots and ointments.
7. Why the fuck does every issue have an article about how to fight a bear?
So some fat turd middle aged man on his shitty couch can be prepared when a bear barges into his house and then he can be all like, “Good thing I spanked it to that Pam Anderson issue while I was on the shitter, then had to take a shit, so I shit on top of my toilet jizz while I read that how to fight a bear article so now I can defend myself!”
(Swipe. Face ripped off.)
Which brings us to…
6. Guys who read Maxim Magazine are the same guys who beat off and take a crap in one sitting.
Have some self respect. Keeping a stack of Maxims next to your toilet is fucking gross. Have you no taste sir? HAVE YOU NO TASTE…SIR?!
5. If you read Maxim Magazine, then you either:
a) Also read FHM.
or
b) Think FHM sucks and are actually loyal to Maxim Magazine.
The fact that you care either way makes baby pandas cry panda tears out of sadness for you.
4. If you read Maxim Magazine, you probably have said something to the effect of,
“Hey, NASCAR’s actually pretty cool to watch.”
Dipshit.
You probably also do things like turn down a blowjob from your significant other because it’s a “crucial” point in whatever crummy sporting event you’re watching, and you’d rather just jerk off later while you think about Brian Urlacher.
3. If you really like Maxim Magazine, you probably think the girls in American Apparel ads are kinda gross.
You think that, because you don’t REALLY like pussy. I can barely look at those things on the back page of the Onion when I’m on public transportation for fear that I’ll miss my stop because I won’t be able to stand up.
2. If you read Maxim Magazine, you probably think hybrid cars are “gay” and either own, or want, and a big SUV.
Of course you do. We understand, it must be hard to be a closeted homosexual/openly homophobe gentleman with a tiny penis.
1. If you read Maxim Magazine, you probably work out a lot and care how big your biceps are.
Again, we understand, it must be hard to be a closeted homosexual/openly homophobe gentleman with a tiny penis.
September 3rd, 2008 at 10:40 am
ROFL
Awesome list.
September 4th, 2008 at 8:37 am
How do you know this unless you’re a Maxim reader yourself, huh? Kidding. Hey, every noticed how every issue of “Men’s Health” always has to have the same two articles:
- How to get rock hard abs
- Tips for getting laid