This is a unique time in American history. For the first time, we have someone on the ticket we could actually masturbate to. Like if you don’t have a Maxim or an LL Bean catalog available, she might do the trick.

Now, some might say, “What about Geraldine Ferraro, she was a woman and a VP candidate?”

I said someone you “could” masturbate to.

Looking back on her in that 1984 campaign, she was at BEST a thin Bea Arthur. And if you think Bea Arthur is worth a wank… well we guys know that seeking therapy is a tad “gay.” But since you are going down that path, it can’t hurt to give it a shot. And block Lifetime from your cable and keep on drinking until you forget you ever saw the Golden Girls.

Speaking of old crappy TV, doesn’t Governor Palin look like Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island? Just aged a bit more and instead of coconuts is offering us a Walrus pie? And like Mary Ann, a former beauty queen, Palin was 2nd place in Miss Alaska, 1984. But men, I have to remind you that is the PAST. As soon as she was appearing with McCain in Ohio, a black and white pic of her pageant days started appearing on the Internet and guys started leaving comments like, “I would hit that.”

But that is Palin from the past. Sure, she looks cute, but should you really be lusting for an image that is 24 years old? That’s like boxing the clown to cave paintings.

So she doesn’t look that nubile today and that means we have to admit that she’s by no means HOT. But she is mild MILF-ish and not bad for 5 kids. If you met her in person, you would probably think she is worth a third look. She’s that kind of 40ish cougar you settle for at last call and when you had three pints of Schlitz. She will fit perfectly when she comes to downtown St. Paul this week.

We need to focus on how she looks NOW and what benefits it means to US. Let’s contemplate the role a Vice President Palin could have in Foreign Policy. Sure, Obama had the celebrity and the Messianic adulation in Germany. Remember that was Germany. They are just trying to make up for their country’s past dabbling in Fascism. No way Krauts, you’re not gonna make up for it by throwing your support behind this country’s first black candidate and then get us to believe your “See, we’re not so bad!” dog and pony show. You don’t get into our good graces that easy! Maybe stop building your VWs with a vase holder, THEN we’ll let you look at “Sarah Barracuda” with your undressing Teutonic eyes. In the meantime, hands off the merchandise Otto and Fritz!

No, we need a Veep Palin to keep the U.S.A. warm and cozy with the Allies we’ve had since the Republic started. Take France for example. Yes, things have been a bit rocky in recent years. But at the risk of losing our access to Tin-Tin books, we have a chance to repair ties between our two countries. President Sarkozy has demonstrated his taste in beautiful women, he only has to slum it just a bit to tap some American VP ass. I say the first G-8 that President McCain is available for he sends his right hand gal, and arrange a “Special Meeting” with Sarkozy. The natural allure of the typical Frog dude will overpower our little naive tie breaker in the Senate. As soon as the doors close, Sarkozy uses his charms and says, “A’llo! Shall we re-a-FIRM the Franco-American alliance?” and the next thing you know, our foie-gras exports leap 500 percent!

Before I close this train of thought let’s not forget, her part-time oil-rig working, potentially cuckolded husband who may not like the talk that the collective American Male is having about the lust possibilities of his wife. I know it may be hard to accept, but dude, take one for the team. Be patriotic, get out their and campaign for your woman. For the good of our country and its diplomatic ties.

And know that the rest of your fellow 150 Million American men salute you with one hand and give us a self congratulatory handshake with the other.

This column has been brought to you by the masterminds behind Comedy.com’s WTF-TV.

Tags: columns, politics, Sarah Palin, vpilf, wtf-tv

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