Hi Pig!

What are you wearing? Clothes are weird.

Ok,so a bunch of people emailed me about Sarah Palin. I’m hesitant to write about her because I’d be competing with everyone in the world who’s riffing, ripping, spitting, supporting, farting, loving, hating, queefing, mocking, puking, crapping and quoting her (or on her).

Wait, now I want to try! Ok. Here we go. Writing about Sarah Palin….10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0, -1, -2, -3… ENOUGH!

Countdown-ing reminds me of New Year’s Eve and my friends Lizzy C. and Karey D, not Sarah P. Sometimes I like to rhyme when I design my lines for you to read can you see how I feed your eyes with no lies?

What? I lie a lot, but rhyming is fun. Anytits…..

I think the Republicans know exactly what they are doing with Palin, and their plan is working. Nobody is talking about: tax cuts, foreign policy, education, health care, civil liberties, environment, technology…ya know boring shit that will save our future.

It’s all about this…..

Palin has become the new Britney Spears, she’s toxic and everyone wants a piece of her. Bing bang boom! Her five kids are probably like, “K-Fed is fertile, just like our family! He’s always in Vegas. Crazy guy.”

Maybe Britney will be a hockey mom soon, I’m sure her sons will have enough hand-eye coordination to knock up a Governor’s teenage daughter. I don’t know man..I shouldn’t rip on Britney, I like her music. But Palin is stealing the gossip magazine spotlight and the brains from brainwashed Americans. I wonder what brand of brainwasher Americans buy to wash their believing brains. It’s probably called DRAMATIC LADY DISTRACTION. Yeah, that’s a great name.

Also, when Palin said “The only difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull is …lipstick,” I thought to myself, “Wow, it’s really hard to think of any other differences between a hockey mom and a pit bull Mrs. Palin, but I did manage to find one… pit bull’s kids don’t play hockey you jack hole!”

And then Obama was like, “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.” I said, “True dat, true dat.” (not racist). McCain said that exact same line last year, that mother fuckin’ cracker.

There. I tried to riff on Pig Palin and politics. I know the lipstick shit is old already, but what-the-fuck-ever.

Lets get to a question, it’s random and sort of sad.

Hey Amber,

Grossed Out

Note to readers who don’t know this: HPV is a virus that causes cervical cancer, it’s pretty common these days.

Hi Grossed Out!

Damn! This question is loaded with disgusting news, I’m gonna make you feel better. Let me think. HPV and pedophile creeps. Hmmmm…..

Ok, if I knew a pedophile was whacking his wang to my picture, I would be SO flattered. Seriously, think about it. You are 33, you must look really young. Pedophiles are so stubborn about the whole age thing.

I don’t know… I guess I can understand why you are upset. If someone was cumming all over my face, I would wanna be there. It’s no fair that your photo gets all the fun.

Shake it off, Sally. I wish your name was Sally.

Ok. Moving on. Stayin’ strong. Stay with me, HPV relief is coming soon.

Here’s an idea - you should ride a tricycle to the pedophiles house. Be sure to wear ponytails, a Hannah Montana t-shirt and no pants (be sure to shave your pubes WAY OFF). Knock on his door and when he answers say, “Hi! Remember me? You’ve been cumming all over me without my permission, you pig.”

(He lets you in and you sit on his pervert couch)

You: I don’t mean to bum your boner out but - I’m in my thirties.

Peddy: Why are you dressed like that?

You: Because I’m a DRAMATIC LADY DISTRACTION.

Peddy: Well, I’d still have sex with you because you look really young.

You: DUDE! I have HPV. I’m not even young enough to take one of the best treatments available, Gardisal. It’s for women ages 9-26. I’m too old to get treated.

Peddy: What’s HPV?

You: It stands for either Human Papilloma Virus or Hockeymom Palin Voters – they are both really bad for women.

Him: I’m assuming you have the virus.

You: Nice assumption. I got it from some skank-dude I slept with. His dick is doubling as a cancer stick. And, it’s so crazy because his penis reminds me of a cigarette. He needs a filter! Hey oh!

Peddy: Wow, nice. Do you wanna have sex? My dick is like a big cigar.

You: Whoa, Bill Clinton reminder.

Peddy: Huh?

You: Never mind, Bill is one of my favorite perverts and Presidents. And, no! I’m not going to bang you, Pig Peddy.

Peddy: Why?? I want your body.

You: HPV is really contagious and you might pass it around to unsuspecting young girls. They might get really sick or start having retarded babies. This country doesn’t need anymore of that. We need all the cute young girls to stay healthy so men have something to beat their meat too. AM I RIGHT MISTER???

Peddy: You know what? You are right! I don’t wanna fuck you!

You: That’s the spirit!

Peddy: Well, who can I fuck?

You: Sarah Pig Palin. She’d bang you for the publicity and she’s way legal.

Peddy. You talk like you are a male chauvinist. You should support her, you are woman.

You: You should shut your mouth and stick it to Palin.

Peddy: Eck. She wears cool glasses but I hate lies about bridges that lead to nowhere and her one liners are awful. Her daughters are cute though…..

You: Ok. Bye you fuckin pig without lipstick.

Peddy: Bye. Good luck with HPV. (Checks out your ass as you walk away)

The End.

I hope that made you feel better, Grossed Out. In all honesty, I don’t know what to tell you about the pedophile. Maybe you can ask your friend to poison him the next time she goes over to his house. And, as far as the HPV stuff goes…go back to the doctor ASAP - AS SOON AS PAPSMEARABLE. I hear it’s really treatable and it’s very common these days. You might tell the guy who gave it to you that his penis is passing around potential death.

I gotta go eat some bacon.

Peace,
Amber

PS: Sarah Palin rhymes with Kato Kaelin. Oh Shit! No I didn’t! So edgy. So edgy.

Amber Tozer is a stand-up comic/writer living in Los Angeles. Everyone
tells her she’s adorable, but the only thing she sees when she looks
in the mirror are two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. You can email your
questions to her at ambertozer@gmail.com. Check her out -
www.myspace.com/ambertozer

Tags: advice, amber tozer, ask amber, columns, hpv, politics, Sarah Palin

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