Hey Change,

Whaddya say we bang bang chitty chitty bang bang? Maybe later? Ok, just be sure your motor car is running ok when it flies in the air. Lets just get straight to the question.

Hey Amber,

Thanks,
The Future

Note to readers: I exchanged a few emails with this guy to get more info and he said he writes REAL kids book. Like the kind an eight-year-old would read with cute pictures and stuff.

Hi Future,

Thanks for writing in and thanks for giving me guidance on what the eff you were talking about. I thought I was going to have to write a psychological breakdown of why kids get all fucked up during
childhood. I’m crazy and if I wrote a book about the reasons why it would be called ALCOHOLISM, CATHOLICISM, WORKAHOLISM, A LOT OF DIVORCES, AND COMPETITIVE GYMNASTICS.

My mom worked all of the time, my dad(s) were drunks, and I thought I could get closer to God by landing double back flips. Boo-hoo for me! I’m a crybaby face. Alright - I really don’t want to act like a victim because everything is different now. My mom is really sweet and mellow, my new dad doesn’t drink and has a good health insurance plan, I do back flips on my own terms and Catholicism is lost in
translation.

Everything changes.

YES! That’s what the children’s book could be about. CHANGE. It’s Obama’s message, it’s McCain’s ripped off message and now it’s going to be my message to the kids of the Universe.

Ok. The book will be a situational self-help comic book inspired by conversations I have with little kids I know. I’ll call it THE COMIC BOOK OF CHANGE FOR CH CH CH CHILDREN (the target market will include
kids that stutter).

Here we go. Let’s do this. Tap, tap, tap your toes – get ready to change your perspective on situations that blow.

I’m going to call my friend Lauren’s kid, Ashley. She’s 7-years-old and in the 2nd grade.

(Calling Lauren, her ring tone is that I KISSED A GIRL AND I LIKED IT song)

Lauren: (picks up the phone) TOZER! What are you doing? It’s been forever!

Me: Did you kiss a girl and like it?

Lauren: Yeah, remember you and I kissed?

Me: Oh. Yeah. Whatever, I was really wasted. I prefer cock and a full set of balls. I need to talk to Ashley.

Lauren: Fuck you! I haven’t talked to you in six months and you can’t even say hi to me?

Me: Hi! Now, put your daughter on the phone.

Lauren: God. You’re a bitch and you aren’t THAT great of a kisser.

Me: You aren’t hurting my feelings. Put your daughter on the phone or I’m going to tell your husband you want my sexy body. My quads are still ripped.

Lauren: (screaming) ASHLEY! Come here! Someone is on the phone for you.

Ashley: Hi.

Me: Hi Ashley! It’s Amber, your mom’s friend. Do you remember me?

Ashley: No.

Amber: Ok. Great. I have a question for you. Have you been made fun of at school lately? Has anyone picked on you?

Ashley: Ummmm. David told me my hair was ugly and he always tells me I smell weird.

Amber: Is your mom still making you wear dread locks and patchouli oil?

Ashley: Yeah.

Amber: She’s trying to be lesbo in all the wrong ways.

Ashley. What’s a lesbo?

Amber: It’s a woman who is attracted to other women. They usually have cats, are annoyed at their dads and apparently make their daughters act like hippies.

Ashley: My dad is annoying.

Amber: You are gay.

Ashley: Ok.

Amber: Bye!

(Hang up the phone)

Ok – so let’s use Ashley’s example for THE COMIC BOOK OF CHANGE FOR CH CH CHILDREN. Ashley’s situation is common amongst young girls, being picked on by a boy at school. If she only knew that:

A) David probably has a crush on her
B) In a few years from now he might have really bad acne or a heroin addiction
C) Her mom will come out of the closet and her annoying dad will be replaced by a lady lover.

As a child, it sometimes feels like certain moments are going to last forever, they don’t! Things ALWAYS change!

Lets ask a little boy what his problem is. There is a kid that lives in my apartment complex with his dad. I’ll be right back, I’m going to go and talk to him.

(37 minutes later)

Ok. This kid’s name is Kalob and he’s 5-years-old. His dad asked me to watch him while he ran to the post office. I told him I would do it for 10 bucks. I think he thought I was a jerk-hole for asking for
money, but I thought he was a really big sack of shit for asking someone he barely knows to watch his kid. He agreed to pay me.

Kalob told me that he goes to day care sometimes. There is a little girl named Aubrey that is always stealing his paper and crayons when he’s trying to draw pictures. I asked Kalob to draw a picture of
Aubrey for me.

He drew this:

I think Kalob is brilliant. I told him that Aubrey probably has a rough home life and she’ll probably end up either a stripper or a self-help guru. It’s all about choices.

You just never know how relationships and people will change. It’s important to always fantasize about the future. When I’m pissed off at someone, I just visualize that person 10 years from now and make sure the vision I have is both disturbing and satisfying.

My point is, as a kid, it’s important to know that things never stay the way they are and they never end up like you imagine. So, just have fun with your brain and get creative with your disturbing thoughts.

BOOM SHACK A LACK. That’s all for now kids.

A big thanks to Onur Tukel for the illustrations. He’s a filmmaker, a musician, a political activist, a cartoonist, an animator, he doesn’t like his burritos salty and he’s a giver. Check out his work here.

Peace,
Amber

Amber Tozer is a stand-up comic/writer living in Los Angeles. Everyone
tells her she’s adorable, but the only thing she sees when she looks
in the mirror are two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. You can email your
questions to her at ambertozer@gmail.com. Check her out -
www.myspace.com/ambertozer

Tags: amber tozer, ask amber, avice, columns

• Nikipedia: Giving A Guy My Number (Strike 2)
• Ask Amber: Pig Palin, Pedophiles, and HPV
• 17 Chapters in Dustin Diamond’s Tell-All Book
• The 10 Oldest Women We’d Still Bang
• Ask Amber: A Mother F*ckin’ Rap About Shyness

This entry was posted on Monday, September 29th, 2008 at 11:59 am and is filed under Funny Articles. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.