We get a lot of spam email. Most of them lately have been about replica watches and Canadian pharmacies. But every now and then, we get a gem. Here are the 7 worst spam emails we’ve gotten in the past week.

7. From: hedvige nelli
Subject: Classy brunette f: uc-king her dog

Maybe somebody should re-learn the word ‘classy’. Because we don’t know too many classy people who fuck dogs. Did she have a martini in her hand? Was she wearing a ball gown? And it’s great how she’s the one doing the “f: uc-king”. Sorry, weird spam email company. We’re not clicking on this one.

6. From: ina birdie
Subject: Two hot chicks f: uc-k horse

This has got to be from the same spammer. First of all, we’re not clicking to see sex with a dog. So you up the ante with a larger animal? And two women. And the fake name you used - and we’ve seen some bad ones - is one of the worst ever. We get it. You’re really into bestiality. We’re not. You’re 0 for 2.

5. From: clarance jianping
Subject: Put her in trembling fire of pleasure.

English is obviously a second language with this company. Nobody who speaks English is going to click on that. Not unless your lady gets turned on by terrible Chinese-to-English botched translation sex metaphors. Then she’ll be in that whole trembling fire thing.

4. From: muniz tymon
Subject: Those babes know how to f: uc-k horse

This guy is back. It’s like an Evite reminder that I’m missing out on that horse fuck party he told us about a couple days ago. Like when we read “Two hot chicks f: uc-k horse” we thought to ourselves, “Yeah. Sure they’re hot. But I’m not clicking on this link unless those babes know what they’re doing.” This animal sex guy is 0 for 3.

3. From: sydney gee
Subject: Elephant f: uc-k

0 for 4, dude. But the animals keep getting larger. You’re terrible at spam emails, but you’re very good at animal size progression. Elephants are hard to beat though. We’re looking forward to getting your whale fuck email in a few days.

2. From: Jacqueline Rickert
Subject: You can’t rent a big friend in your underwear but you can gain it forever.

Oh. Thanks for this. We thought if we wanted a gigantic penis, we could just rent one and put it in our underwear. Thanks for clearing that up. We’ll go get our deposit back right now and order some of your snake oil peen medicine.

1. From: Adele Feldman
Subject: increase both your thickness and length within a few short weeks - women simply love it when you have a large manhood

Oh. We wanted our weiner thicker and longer because we were tired of fitting into our pants comfortably. And to be less manly. We had no idea that women even thought about that stuff or had opinions on it. We just thought they cared about household chores and crying. You’ve given us a good reason to get that big penis we keep denying ourselves for no good reason.

Comedy.com’s ListMaster is Mike Bridenstine. You can email his heart at mike@comedy.com.

Tags: boner pill, funny email, large penis spam, porn spam, replica watches, Spam

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