Bush Steals The 2000 Election

9/11

Anthrax Attacks

The Post-9/11 Economy Tanks

Bush Declares Victory in Iraq

Bush’s Approval Rating Declines

Abu Ghraib

Hurricane Katrina

Bush’s Approval Ratings Go Even Lower

Dick Cheney Shoots a Guy in the Face

We Find Out Our Planet is Dying

Senator Larry Craig Has a “Wide Stance”

The Rest of the World Gains on Us

Obama Wins the Democratic Nomination

It Becomes Cool To Go Green

Obama Wins the Presidency, Restores Hope in America

It’s so awkward when the newspaper does this.

Very cool optical illusions.

School bus racing. It happens. It’s very real.

If you are a young boy, you have a shot with this woman.

Stalker alert. Indian call center guys aren’t as innocent as they seem.

Jennifer Aniston is still somewhat famous and here’s some pics of her in a bikini.

Great old-school video game commercials.

Van Damme was always the man he is.

Wanna see Steve Martin and Martin Short body surfing with a topless chick? Me too.

Being a twin can either lead to wacky hijinks or completely suck. The 1988 movie “Twins”, for example, is about a pair of unlikely twins accidentally created by scientists. Arnold Schwarzenegger is smart and muscle-y and Danny DeVito is a grossout lowlife. Being the “DeVito Twin” would suck. But for a lot of celebrity siblings, that’s pretty much what they are. Here are the bottom 7 twins of celebrities.

7. Daniel Heder

One is Napoleon Dynamite. The other is his less-successful Mormon brother. And nobody ever says, “Hey aren’t you the less-successful Mormon brother of Napoleon Dynamite?”

6. Leslie Hamilton

Do you think that Linda Hamilton’s identical sister cries every time she drives past the estate of James Cameron? And, if so, do you think Linda can feel it?

5. Hunter Johansson

Lots of women would probably like to look like Scarlett Johansson. I’m sure Hunter wouldn’t mind if he’d ended up looking exactly like her, with her exact career. Instead he just got those glasses.

4. Patricia Bundchen

You know what would suck? Being a fairly-attractive Brazilian broad, but having your fucking twin sister be Gisele Bundchen, the quarterback-banging supermodel. It would probably suck to be a non-twin sister of a supermodel. Now imagine that, with a slight chromosomal twist, you’d be the one who doesn’t get out of bed for less than $10,000. Marsha! Marsha! Marsha!

3. Michael Kutcher

Ooff. Ashton Kutcher’s twin brother was punk’d by life.

2. Ozzie Canseco

How many times has Ozzie regretted turning down steroids? Well, Jose hit 462 home runs in his career. Ozzie hit zero. So the correct answer is 462 times.

1. Paul Diesel

That’s probably not his real name. But Vin Diesel’s brother looks like if Paul Giamatti played a gay ’70’s porn star. In other words, he looks like if Paul Giamatti played Vin Diesel.

The worst throw in basketball besides Shaq shooting freethrows.

Celebrities and other celebrities they look like.

Jennifer Love Hewitt is single and ready to mingle.

You need to go on a diet.

German rappers are pretty big idiots.

The 10 worst types of drunk people.

Woody Harrelson gets married to a sea monster.

Great ski lift picture.

Film reports of this year so far.

Fireworks from around the world.

Fantastic NFL fan fight.

Safe for work porn is back. In animated gif form.

5. Nicky and Alex Katsopolis, Full House (1992)

Have mercy! Let’s say your name is ‘Uncle Jesse’ and you’re old rocker friends with The Beach Boys and your TV show producer wife gets pregnant. Would you get your own place? Naw. Just live in the fucking attic of your buddy’s house. Nevermind 9 people live there. The kids will be cute little Dutch Boys who laugh at Uncle Joey’s goddamned moose impressions. Except the audience didn’t give a shit, while the Olsens went on to create Dualstar and make billions off of shit like To Grandmother’s House We Go. You DON’T got it, dude. Oh yeah, and you’re in big trouble misters.

4. Seven Wanker, Married With Children (1992)

Peggy had some hillbilly family in Wanker County, Wisconsin (”home of the gassy beaver”). Pretty highbrow stuff. Bobcat Goldthwait and Linda Blair played his parents - Cousin Zemus and Cousin Ida Mae. Until he went missing or something the next season. Holy shit, that’s great writing! Never mind that Wisconsin has pretty much nothing to do with turn-of-the-century Appalachian bumpkin stereotypes. Just give us more queefing jokes! They were from Jack-offsvile, where pussies queef and whatnot! Best. Show. Ever.

3. Andrew Keaton, Family Ties (1986)

Poor guy. You thought Tina Yothers had it rough in adolescence. Alex P. Keaton wouldn’t be caught dead with this creep now. Even though Keaton was a Republican and, from the looks of him, Andrew probably supported Sarah Palin. He got those vampire teeth by sucking the life out of this series and forcing everyone to watch A Different World on Thursdays, following The Cosby Show. Which reminds us…

2. Olivia Kendall, The Cosby Show (1989)

You probably know her better as Raven-Symone. And she was Denise’s stepdaughter. Remember? Rudy went through an uncute period and Denise met that Naval officer in Africa? That was before Cousin Pam also moved in to the house and really fucked things up. Anyway, the final season’s plot line revolved around Olivia increasing exponentially in size until she finally eats Cousin Pam in the series finale, right before the credits roll. Then she mugged to the camera and said something about pudding.

1. Scrappy-Doo (1979)

Because the other series’ we’ve mentioned had the handicap of not getting to use animation, inserting a cartoon puppy into the mix of other cartoons wins the award for creative desperation. Although we admit that we like that Scrappy-Doo’s mother’s name is Ruby-Doo. Still. It’s animation. You don’t need to suck the same way regular shows suck.

6. Join A Gym

What are you - a millionaire? And when would you go - at 6am when there’s no way you’ll get up or at 6pm when you just feel like going home? Exactly. Leave the gym to meatheads, power bottoms and divorcee cougars. And if you are a millionaire, you don’t really need a gym to get ass.

5. Reduce Stress

That was easy to say over your two week fucking vacation from work, wasn’t it? Welcome back to work and the shitstorm that is your life. How are those Christmas expenses looking now, hotshot? Valentine’s Day is just around the corner too. Go roll yourself a joint.

4. Spend More Time With My Family

No. Out of sight, out of mind. The holiday season (when you thought of this doosey) was magical. Now it’s not Christmas and it’s just cold out. Blame the economy and your cell phone bill for your unreturned calls. And don’t be guilt tripped. It’s not like they’re all-of-a-sudden awesome to be around.

3. Stop Smoking

Yeah right. It’s 2009. If you haven’t stopped by now, it’s not like your puny willpower will somehow change its ways in the New Year. You were probably crabby for a few hours and then caved in secretly after you told yourself you’d only smoke when you drank from now on. That’s how you started, asshole.

2. Quit Drinking

You weren’t gonna make it until the Super Bowl, anyway. Plus, why would you do that to yourself? It’s like, the one thing you have.

1. Go On A Diet

Things were going so well until you cracked open your new diet book and saw ‘Day One: Tuscan Herb Salmon’ and thought, ‘Fuck this. I don’t know how to cook this stuff’ and promptly headed to the drive through. How good are cheeseburgers, dude? Yeah. They’re pretty damn good.

We’ve seen plenty of interesting things at college football games this year (for example, remember that UTEP bleachers handjob?), but this video clip of USC football player Rey Maualuga sneaking up on ESPN sideline reporter Erin Andrews and pretending to do a little bump and grind dance with her might be our favorite.

Classic 90s Midget Fight

10 Most Hated Celebs

Celebrities who will probably die in 09

Best places to take a dump. Yup

Best breasts of the past year

I would imagine their legs are freezing. Worth it.

Let’s not forget about Charles Barkley

Four Hands, One Guitar. Very entertaining.

Juggling chainsaws is impressive… but juggling cats?

Lucy Pinder and Michelle Marsh find some reason to touch each other.

John Lennon still gets commercial work.

Sarah Palin calender. So you can see that woman every day.

What to say during sex

Meet a real-life black person.

These are the dorkiest pictures ever all put together on one list.

What a surprise: Lindsay Lohan’s father is a major douchebag

Wow. That’s all we can say about this video which features a magician demonstrating his tips of how you can use magic to flirt with girls. We’re pretty sure it’s how David Blaine gets all his women.