Hi Doozy-Dicks,

How are you guys? That’s awesome. No seriously, keep doing things.

I want to reference hot topics real quick – The Democratic National Convention, the Olympics, war, rape, poverty, and Dancing with the Stars! Go Jeffrey Ross!

Ok, great!

Lets get to the question.

Hey Amber,

Thanks in advance from a white guy.
Bob

Hi Bing Bang Bob,

Thanks for writing in. I don’t understand why you are waiting until the last minute to contemplate your lack of ethnic sexploration. This question is a doozy-dick of a dilemma. I’ll go to my go to resource
for some inspiration.

Knock knock. Who’s there? It’s Craigslist! Ok. Come on in. Leave your shoes on.

I’m going to post an ad for you in the RANTS AND RAVES section.

SUBJECT: I NEED ADVICE. I’M WHITE AND I’M GETTING MARRIED

Thanks!
Bob

Cut to: 32 Hours Later. I only got two responses. Check it:

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Dear Boom,

Hello! I got paid to get a papshmear the other day and I don’t feel like talking about it. It’ll be funny once I’m able to think of it in retrospect. Lets get to the question!

Hey Amber,

Thank you,
“Sassy”

Hey Sassy,

I’m gassy and thanks for writing in. I’m sorry you are in love with a stoner with a lazy boner. Actually, I know nothing about his boner so I take the second half of the second sentence back. I hate deleting stuff, especially if the word “boner” and/or “a” is involved. I’m a wild animal!

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Dear Pity By Proxy,

Hi! I’m so happy right now because I finally got to experience an effin earthquake. When it hit, I was a taking a nap with a guy and I thought he was relentlessly whackin’ off or something. I was like “Do
it man, do it!” Then a chandelier fell on him, it was annoying.

Let’s get to the question.

Hey Amber!

Thanks for considering this,
Jenn in Georgia

Jenn in Georgia!

Thanks for writing in. Hopefully you aren’t a hot mess anymore. If you’re still a steaming side of gravy over it- pretend you are paralyzed (from the waist down) and take a bath in a tub full of 7-11
bubble gum flavored Slurpee slush. Be sure to dunk your head in it so you get a REAL brain freeze. This will both cool you off and make you feel like a stupid sticky sack of Slurpee.

It wasn’t wrong to ask the dude in the wheelchair to move up a little. It was wrong of you to not say this to the bitchy lady who yelled at you:

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The Comedy Feed’s favorite advice columnist, Amber Tozer, has now taken her wisdom from the pages of this blog and turned it into a series of new advice videos. The first of these, featuring a question from a Tomboy who is concerned that guys keep treating her like a dude is posted above. And below, is a second video featuring Amber’s advice for a person who’s addicted to their computer. Check it out after the jump. And don’t forget to click here to read all of Amber old-school written advice columns.

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Hi Dirt Doogle,

I hope you all had a great week! This week’s column is special, a young person asked me a crap load of questions and I had to restrain myself from crapping a load on the answers. I think I’m starting to build an emotional connection with the people I advise. Oh no!

Let’s get to it.

Hey Amber!!

Josh (J-Play)

Hey J-Play!

Thank you for writing in. Who is your brother? Tell him I say hi and thanks for the Google gossip.

I’m guessing you are between the age of 13 and 18 and this scares me. I’m afraid to bust out my insane profane logic on you. I don’t need the added pressure of being dubbed an online sexual predator, and I hope you and your friends aren’t having a circle jerk while you read this. No offense to you kid, but I’m going to keep this post PG-13. I have a reputation to protect and a career that only exists in my mind.

Here are some long and short answers to your many questions.

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Hi Mother F*ckin’ Butterfly,

I hope you all had a fun week! I sure did and I’m ready to Hot Chip this bitch.

Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it now . Say it, say it, say it, say it, say it, say it, say it now.

Hi Amber,

Shy Girl

Hi Shy!

Thanks for writing in. I’m gonna bust out the big guns for this answer. By big guns, I don’t mean firearms that are used to murder people, I mean my friend Karen’s tits. Her jugs are huge and I think they help her with socializing. I’m gonna stare at her rack for inspiration.

(more…)

Hello Malodorous,

I hope you all enjoyed your 4th of July! I went to a fun party in Malibu and ate too many beans. I ended up timing my farts to the snap, crackle and pops of the fireworks so no one would hear my rice kripsy ass explosions. I thought it was a brilliant idea until I realized people have a sense of smell.

Speaking of smell, check this question out. It’s from another lesbian.

Dear Amber,

A Gay Dog Owner

Yo GDO!

Thanks for writing in. It sounds like Mabel (see photo below) has a simple case of “estrogenitis” and we all know what that means. She needs to be surrounded by some male pharomones aka; sack juices, nut nasties, sweaty testes, taint toppings, boys BO in a bottle!

(more…)

Hello Bob Haircuts!

Thanks to everyone for writing in. I could only get to one question this week, because I was crazy, sexy busy this week. Not really, I was panicking about procrastinating. Check it:

Dear Amber,

I know your advice might be to tell me to shove something in one of my holes, but it might also help with my fear of leaving my hometown. I’m 23 and I live in Casper, Wyoming. I want to get out of here really, really, really, really bad. I have a boyfriend and he says he’ll move with me….but he only tells me this when he’s drunk or when I threaten to move by myself.

I want to move to San Francisco. I was there a few years ago and I loved it. I just graduated college and I want to get out of here. Do you think I should move? What’s it like to live in a big city?

Thanks. I hope you consider this

Lilly

Hi Lilly!

Consider your question considered.

(more…)

Hello, Spanish Words!

Sniggety-snap attack. Let’s get on with this sh*% already. Yeah?

Dear Amber,

Jason
(more…)

Hello Sexual Education!

Who the eff is reading this? Why am I alive? How can guys walk around with ball sack flesh dangling between their legs and act like nothing is going on down there? WWJD? The questions never seem to end.

Let’s get to THESE questions!

Hey Amber,

Thanks,
Confused.

Hi Confused,

I don’t think your biggest problem is being confused, I think it’s living in Oklahoma. It’s not ok in OK to be gay. But, I’m thinking…if you live in Tornado Alley there could be hope for you.

During the next tornado, you should chase it. You know, like run after it and try to film it. I think lesbians and hot dudes chase tornados in Oklahoma. I don’t know why I think this, I just do.

Yeah…so let’s say you are chasing a tornado and at one point you have to take cover. You find yourself crammed into a shower stall at a LUV’S Truck Stop surrounded by lesbians and hot guys. Try the following sexual maneuvers and BE SURE to film everything you do so you can observe your monkey behavior later.

First: Grab a chick’s boob and wait for her reaction. If she’s cool with it, give it a lil’ squeeze. Close your eyes and take note of what you are REALLY feeling. If you want to grab both ta ta’s - you might be a little gay. If you want to snack on her crack - you are either really gay or you just want to show off.

Next - jam your ass up against a dudes crotch. No need to wait for a reaction, he’ll pop a boner within seven seconds. Wait for his shlong to get long and slowly gyrate against him. Again, take note of what
you are feeling. If your lady hole starts moanin for a bonin you are probably straight, or you just have a weird moaning vagina.

Finally - have sex with anyone who’s willing in that shower stall. Initiate an orgasmic orgy. You can yell, “Hey everyone, we shouldn’t let this shiitty-twister ruin our day! Whaddya say we start bangin
each other and if we feel gross about it, we can turn on the shower!”

Baddabing. Baddabooms! Not only did you get to experiment, you probably just produced a killer porn that will make you some dolla dolla billz, ya’ll. You can call it “Sexual Education in a Small Town
Right Before Death Gives You a Blow Job.”

Moving on.

Here’s a question from Ally (not a tornado alley). I had to edit her question because it was longer than my column. She explained to me, in detail, that “Dave” is a really big ass.

Dear Amber,

Thanks!
“Ally”

Hi Ally,

Thanks for writing in. I think you should stay away from Dave. He sounds like the type of person that will crap on your soul, not wipe afterward, then brag about his dirty ass. I mean, it’s cool that you
guys dated and were able to stay friends, but the fact that he was sleeping with you while he had another girlfriend is just gross. AND, if he’s negative all of the time – what’s the point? Do you think you are going to bless him with a dazzling new personality and a heart of gold? You aren’t. Sorry to bust your tits further apart, but it’s the truth.

Besides, there’s nothing worse than hanging out with a guy who expects things to go his way all of the time. Well, getting fingered by a donkey in front of your middle school Sexual Education teacher would be worse (donkey fingers are embarrassing).

I know what you mean by having a “coming-to-Jesus moment.” Those fleeting epiphanies that come along and tell you, “That’s it. No more. This guy is toxic.” You should trust those moments - it’s Jesus’ way of telling you he loves the way your vagina smells, even when it’s sweating with a bastard-baby sliding out of it. Jesus is sort of gross.

Anyway, Dave sounds like he is really insecure and has a huge ego. I’m trying to picture his penis in my brain right now. Not like his penis bangin’ my brain but I’m trying to get a visual of his slimy-slinky.

WHOA! A vision of a limp, crybaby earthworm just appeared in my mastermind. GROSS DAVE! Go fishing with your weird looking dick and keep it away from my cranium, would ya?

Point being, there is no way for you to de-assify Dave. That’s Dave’s job. If you get lonely, why don’t you spend time with Jesus? He’ll probably say things that’ll knock your pink taco sideways and he’ll
explain why people scream “JESUS CHRIST” after someone says something awful.

Ok. Bye.

Peace,
Amber

Brian wrote in with a subject line “A question for your mailbag.” This made me laugh.

Here’s his question:

Amber,

Thanks,
Brian

Hey Brian,

Nice question. I would handle a drunken idiot that doesn’t respect sobriety with an air horn, a shoehorn and a horny transvestite (aka trans-horn). Just kidding, no need for horns. You should just fuck with this dude’s mind the next time you hang out. Just keep buying him drinks, he’ll get super wasted, and you can insult him the entire time - he’ll think it’s funny.

Here’s how it can play out:

Drunk Asshole (DA): Yo Brian! Why aren’t you drinking? Don’t be such a pussy!

You: I don’t drink anymore so you should drink for the both of us. Here (hand him whiskey) drink up!

DA: (Drinks shot) Why don’t you drink, man?

You: (Buy him another shot) Because I have alcoholism, you big huge dick-ring.

DA: (Drinks shot) Oh, that’s bullshit. I hate it when people say that.

You: What? That you are a big huge dick-ring?

DA: Nah, man. Alcoholism. I mean…people drink man! People drink a lot! It’s what we do.

You: (Get him another) Oh, so you ARE a big huge dick-ring. You should teach a dick-ringing sexual
education class, you can call it DING A LING A DICK RING! HELLO AND WELCOME TO MY HOLE 101!

DA: (Sips on some whiskey) Hahahaha. That’s funny.

You: I think your mouth is where farts go to die.

DA: Hahaha. That’s a good one too. (Burp, hiccup, wobbles around)

You: We should hang out in the morning.

DA: FOR SURE! (Vomit. Pass out.)

The End.

Peace,
Amber