Hi Mother F*ckin’ Butterfly,

I hope you all had a fun week! I sure did and I’m ready to Hot Chip this bitch.

Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it now . Say it, say it, say it, say it, say it, say it, say it now.

Hi Amber,

Shy Girl

Hi Shy!

Thanks for writing in. I’m gonna bust out the big guns for this answer. By big guns, I don’t mean firearms that are used to murder people, I mean my friend Karen’s tits. Her jugs are huge and I think they help her with socializing. I’m gonna stare at her rack for inspiration.

(more…)

Hello Malodorous,

I hope you all enjoyed your 4th of July! I went to a fun party in Malibu and ate too many beans. I ended up timing my farts to the snap, crackle and pops of the fireworks so no one would hear my rice kripsy ass explosions. I thought it was a brilliant idea until I realized people have a sense of smell.

Speaking of smell, check this question out. It’s from another lesbian.

Dear Amber,

A Gay Dog Owner

Yo GDO!

Thanks for writing in. It sounds like Mabel (see photo below) has a simple case of “estrogenitis” and we all know what that means. She needs to be surrounded by some male pharomones aka; sack juices, nut nasties, sweaty testes, taint toppings, boys BO in a bottle!

(more…)

Hello Bob Haircuts!

Thanks to everyone for writing in. I could only get to one question this week, because I was crazy, sexy busy this week. Not really, I was panicking about procrastinating. Check it:

Dear Amber,

I know your advice might be to tell me to shove something in one of my holes, but it might also help with my fear of leaving my hometown. I’m 23 and I live in Casper, Wyoming. I want to get out of here really, really, really, really bad. I have a boyfriend and he says he’ll move with me….but he only tells me this when he’s drunk or when I threaten to move by myself.

I want to move to San Francisco. I was there a few years ago and I loved it. I just graduated college and I want to get out of here. Do you think I should move? What’s it like to live in a big city?

Thanks. I hope you consider this

Lilly

Hi Lilly!

Consider your question considered.

(more…)

Hello, Spanish Words!

Sniggety-snap attack. Let’s get on with this sh*% already. Yeah?

Dear Amber,

Jason
(more…)

Hello Sexual Education!

Who the eff is reading this? Why am I alive? How can guys walk around with ball sack flesh dangling between their legs and act like nothing is going on down there? WWJD? The questions never seem to end.

Let’s get to THESE questions!

Hey Amber,

Thanks,
Confused.

Hi Confused,

I don’t think your biggest problem is being confused, I think it’s living in Oklahoma. It’s not ok in OK to be gay. But, I’m thinking…if you live in Tornado Alley there could be hope for you.

During the next tornado, you should chase it. You know, like run after it and try to film it. I think lesbians and hot dudes chase tornados in Oklahoma. I don’t know why I think this, I just do.

Yeah…so let’s say you are chasing a tornado and at one point you have to take cover. You find yourself crammed into a shower stall at a LUV’S Truck Stop surrounded by lesbians and hot guys. Try the following sexual maneuvers and BE SURE to film everything you do so you can observe your monkey behavior later.

First: Grab a chick’s boob and wait for her reaction. If she’s cool with it, give it a lil’ squeeze. Close your eyes and take note of what you are REALLY feeling. If you want to grab both ta ta’s - you might be a little gay. If you want to snack on her crack - you are either really gay or you just want to show off.

Next - jam your ass up against a dudes crotch. No need to wait for a reaction, he’ll pop a boner within seven seconds. Wait for his shlong to get long and slowly gyrate against him. Again, take note of what
you are feeling. If your lady hole starts moanin for a bonin you are probably straight, or you just have a weird moaning vagina.

Finally - have sex with anyone who’s willing in that shower stall. Initiate an orgasmic orgy. You can yell, “Hey everyone, we shouldn’t let this shiitty-twister ruin our day! Whaddya say we start bangin
each other and if we feel gross about it, we can turn on the shower!”

Baddabing. Baddabooms! Not only did you get to experiment, you probably just produced a killer porn that will make you some dolla dolla billz, ya’ll. You can call it “Sexual Education in a Small Town
Right Before Death Gives You a Blow Job.”

Moving on.

Here’s a question from Ally (not a tornado alley). I had to edit her question because it was longer than my column. She explained to me, in detail, that “Dave” is a really big ass.

Dear Amber,

Thanks!
“Ally”

Hi Ally,

Thanks for writing in. I think you should stay away from Dave. He sounds like the type of person that will crap on your soul, not wipe afterward, then brag about his dirty ass. I mean, it’s cool that you
guys dated and were able to stay friends, but the fact that he was sleeping with you while he had another girlfriend is just gross. AND, if he’s negative all of the time – what’s the point? Do you think you are going to bless him with a dazzling new personality and a heart of gold? You aren’t. Sorry to bust your tits further apart, but it’s the truth.

Besides, there’s nothing worse than hanging out with a guy who expects things to go his way all of the time. Well, getting fingered by a donkey in front of your middle school Sexual Education teacher would be worse (donkey fingers are embarrassing).

I know what you mean by having a “coming-to-Jesus moment.” Those fleeting epiphanies that come along and tell you, “That’s it. No more. This guy is toxic.” You should trust those moments - it’s Jesus’ way of telling you he loves the way your vagina smells, even when it’s sweating with a bastard-baby sliding out of it. Jesus is sort of gross.

Anyway, Dave sounds like he is really insecure and has a huge ego. I’m trying to picture his penis in my brain right now. Not like his penis bangin’ my brain but I’m trying to get a visual of his slimy-slinky.

WHOA! A vision of a limp, crybaby earthworm just appeared in my mastermind. GROSS DAVE! Go fishing with your weird looking dick and keep it away from my cranium, would ya?

Point being, there is no way for you to de-assify Dave. That’s Dave’s job. If you get lonely, why don’t you spend time with Jesus? He’ll probably say things that’ll knock your pink taco sideways and he’ll
explain why people scream “JESUS CHRIST” after someone says something awful.

Ok. Bye.

Peace,
Amber

Brian wrote in with a subject line “A question for your mailbag.” This made me laugh.

Here’s his question:

Amber,

Thanks,
Brian

Hey Brian,

Nice question. I would handle a drunken idiot that doesn’t respect sobriety with an air horn, a shoehorn and a horny transvestite (aka trans-horn). Just kidding, no need for horns. You should just fuck with this dude’s mind the next time you hang out. Just keep buying him drinks, he’ll get super wasted, and you can insult him the entire time - he’ll think it’s funny.

Here’s how it can play out:

Drunk Asshole (DA): Yo Brian! Why aren’t you drinking? Don’t be such a pussy!

You: I don’t drink anymore so you should drink for the both of us. Here (hand him whiskey) drink up!

DA: (Drinks shot) Why don’t you drink, man?

You: (Buy him another shot) Because I have alcoholism, you big huge dick-ring.

DA: (Drinks shot) Oh, that’s bullshit. I hate it when people say that.

You: What? That you are a big huge dick-ring?

DA: Nah, man. Alcoholism. I mean…people drink man! People drink a lot! It’s what we do.

You: (Get him another) Oh, so you ARE a big huge dick-ring. You should teach a dick-ringing sexual
education class, you can call it DING A LING A DICK RING! HELLO AND WELCOME TO MY HOLE 101!

DA: (Sips on some whiskey) Hahahaha. That’s funny.

You: I think your mouth is where farts go to die.

DA: Hahaha. That’s a good one too. (Burp, hiccup, wobbles around)

You: We should hang out in the morning.

DA: FOR SURE! (Vomit. Pass out.)

The End.

Peace,
Amber

(Editor’s Note: Now that the Comedy Feed is up and running, you will start to see some columns from our exclusive columnists - a group of hilarious people who will write hilarious stuff for your enjoyment every other week. For example, this column is our advice column, written by the very entertaining Amber Tozer. You can ask Amber for advice by emailing her at ambertozer@gmail.com. Enjoy!)

Dear Blah blah blah,

Hi! I hope everyone enjoyed the long weekend. I spent the first part of Memorial Day saying “Fahgett abawt it!” and the second part saying, “Is that hacky?”

Let’s get to the questions.

Hello Amber,

Thanks.
Eric

Hi Eric,

Thanks for writing in, this is a fun question.

If you really want to go to your high school reunion - guess what? You can GO! Life is awesome like that. Who cares if you hated everyone you went to school with? Maybe they hated you too. You should just go, be cool, keep your judgments in your own greyish colored brain and if the reunion sucks…you can leave. You are having feelings of “wanting to go” because you want to go. That’s all. It’s been 10 years, you are curious.

I think it’s fascinating to see people after a decade has gone by. At my high school reunion I stared at everyone, drank about 14 cocktails, did a few lines of blow, and promised everyone I’d open up restaurants in Aspen, CO with them.

I suggest leaving out the cocaine. If you snort coke you’ll talk your balls right off your body, and they might land on some used-to-be-fat-now-she’s-skinny-chicks neck. Her stinky husband will probably kick your testes across the reunion hall floor and you’ll be embarrassed. There’s a chance you’ll annoy a few high school foes and they’ll be like, “Eric is still weird, why are his balls under the DJ booth? Blah blah blah.”

If you can muster up motivation – you should turn your reunion into a musical, a HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL! You and your high school enemy will star in it and the storyline can revolve around you two sabotaging each other. You end up murdering him or her, you are sentenced to death, and then you sing about it. You find God in prison after a whimsical-sing-songy-rape and for your last meal you order a cheeseburger with avocado. The avocado will be a metaphor for perfectly textured smoothies.

Get it? Me neither!

My point is: Go to your reunion. Don’t snort coke up your boogy-nostrils. Have fun. Be nice. Stare a lot. It’ll be good, so good!

Ok. A horny lady from Seattle wrote in. Check it.

Hey Amber,

Sexless in Seattle

Hi Sexless in Seattle!

Let’s see. You are horny, single and don’t like having casual sex. I’m not going to suggest masturbating because that would be lame and obvious. Hmmm. Now I feel like suggesting masturbating. DAMN IT! Ok, rub a quick one out while I call my mom and ask her what you should do.

(Calling my mom)

Mom: Hello?

Me: Blah blah blah.

Mom: What?

Me: No time for chit-chat. I’m on deadline. How did you handle being single, horny and lonely when you were in your late thirties?

Mom: I hate this question.

Me: Welcome to my world! See how hard my life is? I need to help a horny lady in Seattle.

Mom: Quit feeling sorry for yourself.

Me: I wish you’d be more supportive.

Mom: I wish my vagina was younger.

Me: They have a surgery for that now.

Mom: Really?!

Me: Yeah, they also have an asshole bleaching procedure.

Mom: Who in the hell needs their asshole bleached?

Me: Your mom!

CLICK

My mom doesn’t want to help me, so I’ll help myself while you finish up your self-inflicted orgasm. If you can read and rub at the same time, good for you!

I think you should have consistent casual sex with the same person. The key is, to stay away from “date like” activities. Do not go to dinner, do not ask about their lives, and most importantly, do not CARE about them. Just shag and tag him at least four times a week (at your convenience).

Think like a man. Make sure the guy is young, stupid and hotter than your ex. Since you are in your late thirties– I’m assuming you know what you want in the sack and you can boss the boner around in bed. Just make sure your emotions are in check. All he needs is a decent sized cock-a-doodle-dong, a car and mommy-issues.

If you start to fall for him, which is very possible, start banging his best friend.

Hope this helps!

Peace,
Amber

Moving on, Brenda has a problem with her sister. Let’s exploit it.

Hi Amber,

Best,
Brenda

Hi Brenda,

First off, your little sister is 19. That’s the problem. She’s probably obsessing about “what she should do” with her life. I’m assuming she’s fresh out of high school and is either going to college or working a job she hates. Cut her some sister-slack.

Maybe she’s knocked up and doesn’t want to tell anyone. Maybe she’s in the FBI and CAN’T tell anyone. Maybe she’s an alien and was sent here (Earth) to learn more about Reality TV. You just never know.

And, since your tactics involve tough love and ignoring her, maybe she’s thinking to herself “I can’t wait to turn 21 so I can stab my older sister.”

Try putting yourself in her shoes, just steal a fancy pair and wear them in front of her like they are yours. That’s what sisters are for! Or, you can give her a hug and whisper “Blah blah blah” in her ear. She might just melt in your arms!

The fuckin end!

Peace,
Amber

There’s a lot of comedians out there that have some really funny true life stories, but few of them are as interestingly animated as this one from Amber Tozer. In it, you’ll learn how she came to be branded as the Urine Bomber, and what urine bombs could mean for the future of the world. Or something like that.