Hey Change,

Whaddya say we bang bang chitty chitty bang bang? Maybe later? Ok, just be sure your motor car is running ok when it flies in the air. Lets just get straight to the question.

Hey Amber,

Thanks,
The Future

Note to readers: I exchanged a few emails with this guy to get more info and he said he writes REAL kids book. Like the kind an eight-year-old would read with cute pictures and stuff.

Hi Future,

Thanks for writing in and thanks for giving me guidance on what the eff you were talking about. I thought I was going to have to write a psychological breakdown of why kids get all fucked up during
childhood. I’m crazy and if I wrote a book about the reasons why it would be called ALCOHOLISM, CATHOLICISM, WORKAHOLISM, A LOT OF DIVORCES, AND COMPETITIVE GYMNASTICS.

My mom worked all of the time, my dad(s) were drunks, and I thought I could get closer to God by landing double back flips. Boo-hoo for me! I’m a crybaby face. Alright - I really don’t want to act like a victim because everything is different now. My mom is really sweet and mellow, my new dad doesn’t drink and has a good health insurance plan, I do back flips on my own terms and Catholicism is lost in
translation.

(more…)

Hi Pig!

What are you wearing? Clothes are weird.

Ok,so a bunch of people emailed me about Sarah Palin. I’m hesitant to write about her because I’d be competing with everyone in the world who’s riffing, ripping, spitting, supporting, farting, loving, hating, queefing, mocking, puking, crapping and quoting her (or on her).

Wait, now I want to try! Ok. Here we go. Writing about Sarah Palin….10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0, -1, -2, -3… ENOUGH!

Countdown-ing reminds me of New Year’s Eve and my friends Lizzy C. and Karey D, not Sarah P. Sometimes I like to rhyme when I design my lines for you to read can you see how I feed your eyes with no lies?

What? I lie a lot, but rhyming is fun. Anytits…..

I think the Republicans know exactly what they are doing with Palin, and their plan is working. Nobody is talking about: tax cuts, foreign policy, education, health care, civil liberties, environment, technology…ya know boring shit that will save our future.

It’s all about this…..

Palin has become the new Britney Spears, she’s toxic and everyone wants a piece of her. Bing bang boom! Her five kids are probably like, “K-Fed is fertile, just like our family! He’s always in Vegas. Crazy guy.”

Maybe Britney will be a hockey mom soon, I’m sure her sons will have enough hand-eye coordination to knock up a Governor’s teenage daughter. I don’t know man..I shouldn’t rip on Britney, I like her music. But Palin is stealing the gossip magazine spotlight and the brains from brainwashed Americans. I wonder what brand of brainwasher Americans buy to wash their believing brains. It’s probably called DRAMATIC LADY DISTRACTION. Yeah, that’s a great name.

Also, when Palin said “The only difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull is …lipstick,” I thought to myself, “Wow, it’s really hard to think of any other differences between a hockey mom and a pit bull Mrs. Palin, but I did manage to find one… pit bull’s kids don’t play hockey you jack hole!”

And then Obama was like, “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.” I said, “True dat, true dat.” (not racist). McCain said that exact same line last year, that mother fuckin’ cracker.

There. I tried to riff on Pig Palin and politics. I know the lipstick shit is old already, but what-the-fuck-ever.

Lets get to a question, it’s random and sort of sad.

(more…)

Hi Doozy-Dicks,

How are you guys? That’s awesome. No seriously, keep doing things.

I want to reference hot topics real quick – The Democratic National Convention, the Olympics, war, rape, poverty, and Dancing with the Stars! Go Jeffrey Ross!

Ok, great!

Lets get to the question.

Hey Amber,

Thanks in advance from a white guy.
Bob

Hi Bing Bang Bob,

Thanks for writing in. I don’t understand why you are waiting until the last minute to contemplate your lack of ethnic sexploration. This question is a doozy-dick of a dilemma. I’ll go to my go to resource
for some inspiration.

Knock knock. Who’s there? It’s Craigslist! Ok. Come on in. Leave your shoes on.

I’m going to post an ad for you in the RANTS AND RAVES section.

SUBJECT: I NEED ADVICE. I’M WHITE AND I’M GETTING MARRIED

Thanks!
Bob

Cut to: 32 Hours Later. I only got two responses. Check it:

(more…)

Dear Boom,

Hello! I got paid to get a papshmear the other day and I don’t feel like talking about it. It’ll be funny once I’m able to think of it in retrospect. Lets get to the question!

Hey Amber,

Thank you,
“Sassy”

Hey Sassy,

I’m gassy and thanks for writing in. I’m sorry you are in love with a stoner with a lazy boner. Actually, I know nothing about his boner so I take the second half of the second sentence back. I hate deleting stuff, especially if the word “boner” and/or “a” is involved. I’m a wild animal!

(more…)

Dear Pity By Proxy,

Hi! I’m so happy right now because I finally got to experience an effin earthquake. When it hit, I was a taking a nap with a guy and I thought he was relentlessly whackin’ off or something. I was like “Do
it man, do it!” Then a chandelier fell on him, it was annoying.

Let’s get to the question.

Hey Amber!

Thanks for considering this,
Jenn in Georgia

Jenn in Georgia!

Thanks for writing in. Hopefully you aren’t a hot mess anymore. If you’re still a steaming side of gravy over it- pretend you are paralyzed (from the waist down) and take a bath in a tub full of 7-11
bubble gum flavored Slurpee slush. Be sure to dunk your head in it so you get a REAL brain freeze. This will both cool you off and make you feel like a stupid sticky sack of Slurpee.

It wasn’t wrong to ask the dude in the wheelchair to move up a little. It was wrong of you to not say this to the bitchy lady who yelled at you:

(more…)

The Comedy Feed’s favorite advice columnist, Amber Tozer, has now taken her wisdom from the pages of this blog and turned it into a series of new advice videos. The first of these, featuring a question from a Tomboy who is concerned that guys keep treating her like a dude is posted above. And below, is a second video featuring Amber’s advice for a person who’s addicted to their computer. Check it out after the jump. And don’t forget to click here to read all of Amber old-school written advice columns.

(more…)

Hi Dirt Doogle,

I hope you all had a great week! This week’s column is special, a young person asked me a crap load of questions and I had to restrain myself from crapping a load on the answers. I think I’m starting to build an emotional connection with the people I advise. Oh no!

Let’s get to it.

Hey Amber!!

Josh (J-Play)

Hey J-Play!

Thank you for writing in. Who is your brother? Tell him I say hi and thanks for the Google gossip.

I’m guessing you are between the age of 13 and 18 and this scares me. I’m afraid to bust out my insane profane logic on you. I don’t need the added pressure of being dubbed an online sexual predator, and I hope you and your friends aren’t having a circle jerk while you read this. No offense to you kid, but I’m going to keep this post PG-13. I have a reputation to protect and a career that only exists in my mind.

Here are some long and short answers to your many questions.

(more…)

Hi Mother F*ckin’ Butterfly,

I hope you all had a fun week! I sure did and I’m ready to Hot Chip this bitch.

Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it now . Say it, say it, say it, say it, say it, say it, say it now.

Hi Amber,

Shy Girl

Hi Shy!

Thanks for writing in. I’m gonna bust out the big guns for this answer. By big guns, I don’t mean firearms that are used to murder people, I mean my friend Karen’s tits. Her jugs are huge and I think they help her with socializing. I’m gonna stare at her rack for inspiration.

(more…)

Hello Malodorous,

I hope you all enjoyed your 4th of July! I went to a fun party in Malibu and ate too many beans. I ended up timing my farts to the snap, crackle and pops of the fireworks so no one would hear my rice kripsy ass explosions. I thought it was a brilliant idea until I realized people have a sense of smell.

Speaking of smell, check this question out. It’s from another lesbian.

Dear Amber,

A Gay Dog Owner

Yo GDO!

Thanks for writing in. It sounds like Mabel (see photo below) has a simple case of “estrogenitis” and we all know what that means. She needs to be surrounded by some male pharomones aka; sack juices, nut nasties, sweaty testes, taint toppings, boys BO in a bottle!

(more…)

Hello Bob Haircuts!

Thanks to everyone for writing in. I could only get to one question this week, because I was crazy, sexy busy this week. Not really, I was panicking about procrastinating. Check it:

Dear Amber,

I know your advice might be to tell me to shove something in one of my holes, but it might also help with my fear of leaving my hometown. I’m 23 and I live in Casper, Wyoming. I want to get out of here really, really, really, really bad. I have a boyfriend and he says he’ll move with me….but he only tells me this when he’s drunk or when I threaten to move by myself.

I want to move to San Francisco. I was there a few years ago and I loved it. I just graduated college and I want to get out of here. Do you think I should move? What’s it like to live in a big city?

Thanks. I hope you consider this

Lilly

Hi Lilly!

Consider your question considered.

(more…)