By now, sprinter Usain Bolt’s world record performance at the Olympics has been well chronicled, but this video adds a whole new element to the accomplishment as it shows us what Usain was really thinking as he blew past all his competition on the track.

It won’t be long before Barack Obama announces his vice presidential nominee. Who will it be? We have no idea. BUT - we do know that Barack will be announcing his choice via text message. Here are 7 other things we hear Obama will be texting in the next week.

“Hi”

Maybe Obama is like a passive-aggressive girlfriend and wants to initiate flirtations with you and, at the same time, remind you that you haven’t called in a while.

“Yo, U goin out 2nite?”

Maybe Obama wants to catch up with you and grab a couple beers. The guy you vote for is usually the guy you’d rather have a beer with, right? Well in this case, Obama sends us the exact same texts as one of our boozebag friends.

“My VP choice is Hilary. JK. LOL. DBEYR.”

Oh, that Obama. Such a trickster.

A funny photo of his cat.

Obama’s cat is wearing a party hat. He knows you’d want to see something like that.

G’nite

Obama has had a long day. The two of you played phone tag, but never connected. He’s retiring for the night and wants you to know he’s not ignoring you.

“Where u at?” at 3 am.

Obama is bootytexting you. He went to afterhours and saw no prospects. He’s texting you because you’re his backup.

He’ll text Jamster to get new Soulja Boy ringtone.

Because that beat is bananas.

Comedy.com’s ListMaster is Mike Bridenstine.

In case there was any doubt about whether the Olympics coverage has officially jumped the shark or not, this clip from the Today Show should settle that argument. It features hosts Matt Lauer and Al Roker in tights (yikes!) and performing their very own tandem rhythmic gymnastics routine. If you’ll excuse us for a moment, we’re going to go throw up now.

School is back in session, everyone. How was your summer? Ten years ago this week, I was a teenager entering my first semester as a college freshman. Here are 9 reasons why this year’s college freshman have it a lot better than I did back in 1998.

1. It was almost impossible to stalk people.

Some chick in your lecture hall is hot? Now you can just hop Online and see all of her naughty Halloween photos from last year on Facebook. You can also take part in the newfangled fad of telling everyone in the universe what you’re doing RIGHT NOW. Hiding in the bushes outside of someone’s dorm window is so ’90s.

2. We had to go to the library.

Don’t cry to me because your T.A. won’t let you use Wikipedia as a source for your paper. Only six nerdy eighth graders knew how to use Google in 1998. I think I used Alta Vista. Ewww. The rest of the time I had to get an actual book from the actual library for whatever bullshit my rhetoric teacher wanted me to write about. Double ewww.

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We have no idea what this clip is from, but it looks like a mixture between an underground fight club and a disco. Regardless, it features a fight between two guys - one who puts on about a 30 second dancing exhibition to intimidate his opponent and another who decides that instead of dancing he’d rather just knock the dancer out with one punch.

Apparently, we’re on quite a roll with finding funny fight clips this week.

We’ve had a bit of a potty mouth lately, we know. But this list was suggested and we couldn’t resist. Here are the bottom 8 fart smells that come from the human asshole.

8. Red Bull Fart

Maybe you had a big weekend of clubbin’ with Persians and Armenians on Sunset and threw back some Red Bull vodkas. Or maybe you’re some extreme skateboard dude. Or a college student cramming for some unimportant final. Whatever the case, if you drink a bunch of energy drinks, your farts inevitably smell like that stuff. It’s probably the Guarana. Tisk tisk. Or the Persians.

7. Potluck Casserole Fart

That’s when your farts smell like you ate old people groceries.

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Earlier today we showed you Bela Karolyi’s reaction to watching the women’s gymnastics finals and now as this video proves, it turns out that Bela gets equally excited when watching a pair of turtles get it on.

Sometimes nature calls when you don’t want it to. Occasionally that time is while you’re at work. Here are 8 ways to let your coworkers know you’ve got to take a crap without actually having to day “I gotta go take a huge crap”.

“On My Signal, I’m Gonna Unleash Hell.”

You can combine your two favorite things to do at work - quote lines from movies and take dumps on the clock.

“I Gotta Go Talk to Patty Duke”

‘Dook’ or ‘dookie’ is a common-enough slang term for poop. ‘Patty’ makes it grosser. Plus, if your coworkers are hip to that, you can take it up a notch by saying you have to go because you’ve got “Identical Cousins”. It helps if they’ve watched Nick at Night.

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In order for Ernest Borgnine to get mentioned on this blog, he would have to do something pretty spectacular…and he has. He recently stopped by Fox News to drop a little knowledge on the show’s hosts about the secret to how he’s managed to stay in such good health. Unfortunately for Fox News (but fortunately for us), that secret is that he masturbates a lot.

It’s easy to get swept up in Olympic fever and start to think that sports like swimming and gymnastics are where the world’s greatest athletes choose to compete. But, we would like to take a moment to celebrate the real home to the world’s greatest competitors - toast tossing. And this video chronicles the training of the best of the best.