This is a unique time in American history. For the first time, we have someone on the ticket we could actually masturbate to. Like if you don’t have a Maxim or an LL Bean catalog available, she might do the trick.
Now, some might say, “What about Geraldine Ferraro, she was a woman and a VP candidate?”
I said someone you “could” masturbate to.
Looking back on her in that 1984 campaign, she was at BEST a thin Bea Arthur. And if you think Bea Arthur is worth a wank… well we guys know that seeking therapy is a tad “gay.” But since you are going down that path, it can’t hurt to give it a shot. And block Lifetime from your cable and keep on drinking until you forget you ever saw the Golden Girls.
“I just want to make sure that you don’t get the wrong idea about us,” she said naked lying in the bed of a comic she had met a few hours before.
“What do you mean by the wrong idea?” He played along.
“I just don’t want you to think because we had sex that we are going to be more than friends. Actually, I have a boyfriend and I have to leave to go be with him.”
This was the neatest thing he had ever heard. Hours earlier, he had played a sold-out show at the Improv. Immediately after the show, the stunning blonde that had been in the front row approached him. They began talking, and then doing shots, and then as the bar was closed they spilled into the street lost in one of those two-sided make outs - amazing to be in the middle of, awful and annoying to have to witness.
“I can’t come over to your house…I just met you.”
She was sincere. He believed her. However, he didn’t remember asking her back to his place.
“I mean, I’m not really tired. Do you have any blow?”
How are you guys? That’s awesome. No seriously, keep doing things.
I want to reference hot topics real quick – The Democratic National Convention, the Olympics, war, rape, poverty, and Dancing with the Stars! Go Jeffrey Ross!
Ok, great!
Lets get to the question.
Hey Amber,
I’m getting married next weekend and I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I’ve never slept with an Asian girl, a black girl or a Latino girl. What if my curiosity gets the best of me and I cheat on my wife? What’s a guy to do?
Thanks in advance from a white guy.
Bob
Hi Bing Bang Bob,
Thanks for writing in. I don’t understand why you are waiting until the last minute to contemplate your lack of ethnic sexploration. This question is a doozy-dick of a dilemma. I’ll go to my go to resource
for some inspiration.
Knock knock. Who’s there? It’s Craigslist! Ok. Come on in. Leave your shoes on.
I’m going to post an ad for you in the RANTS AND RAVES section.
SUBJECT: I NEED ADVICE. I’M WHITE AND I’M GETTING MARRIED
Hey People,
I’m a white guy. I’m getting married to a white girl. I’ve never slept with a black, Asian or a Latino woman. I should have capitalized “black,” I’m sorry. My penis is bustin out of my pants right now. If someone was sitting next to me, my boner would bust them in the eyeball and I would say, “I’m sorry, I’m white.”
I don’t know what to do. I’m curious about ethnic women. Any suggestions?
Thanks!
Bob
Cut to: 32 Hours Later. I only got two responses. Check it:
Hello! I got paid to get a papshmear the other day and I don’t feel like talking about it. It’ll be funny once I’m able to think of it in retrospect. Lets get to the question!
Hey Amber,
I have a question for you. My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years and we live together. I can’t stand him. I still love him, but he’s so lazy and never does what he says he’s going to do. I pay most of the rent, work 50 hours a week and do most of the stuff around the house. He’s a musician and smokes pot constantly. His friends are at our house all of the time to talk about booking shows and writing music, but all they do is smoke weed and play video games. They rarely do any shows and it’s a shame because he’s talented.
I’ve turned into a nag and I know I’m not helping by acting like a bitch, but I don’t know what else to do. He’s really sweet and nice to me and it makes me feel worse about everything. I’ll hardly even have sex with him anymore. What do I do? HELP!
Thank you,
“Sassy”
Hey Sassy,
I’m gassy and thanks for writing in. I’m sorry you are in love with a stoner with a lazy boner. Actually, I know nothing about his boner so I take the second half of the second sentence back. I hate deleting stuff, especially if the word “boner” and/or “a” is involved. I’m a wild animal!
I feel weird reading The Diary of Anne Frank. I feel intrusive, like I’m her kid brother, Jimmy Frank.
One of my greatest fears is that I’m going to die and someone is going to discover all of the weird things I’ve written. No, I take that back. My greatest fear is that I wind up in a coma and people discover my diary. Because then I have to wake up and look those people in the face again.
I’m sure Anne didn’t worry about these kinds of things. She believed that people were naturally good. She didn’t think that everyone was out to get her. When really, they kinda were.
But Anne was also a lot younger than I am now. I wrote innocent things back then, too. But I’ve changed. I’ve already penned certain entries on this website that I regret, so I can’t imagine what I’ve scrawled in a moleskin book at 3am when I’m looped up on Tylenol PM and pot (I wonder how I’ll end up in a coma someday?), playing my guitar and writing lyrics about someone who didn’t text me back.
Luckily for Anne Frank, she said intelligent and beautiful things. I doubt anyone would want to study my diary in their 9th grade class.
Hi! I’m so happy right now because I finally got to experience an effin earthquake. When it hit, I was a taking a nap with a guy and I thought he was relentlessly whackin’ off or something. I was like “Do
it man, do it!” Then a chandelier fell on him, it was annoying.
Let’s get to the question.
Hey Amber!
My friends and I went to the movies the other night and the only section that had enough seats for us was in the front. We all sat down and before you know it, a lady sat down with a guy in a wheelchair.
His wheelchair ended being really close to my friend’s legs that we asked him to move up a little. The lady said, “I can’t believe you would ask him to move, he can’t walk!” We apologized and explained the situation and she just kept saying “He can’t walk! We aren’t moving!”
They had plenty of room to move. I guess my question is….was it wrong to ask this person to move up when there was obviously enough room?
I’m a hot mess over this!
Thanks for considering this,
Jenn in Georgia
Jenn in Georgia!
Thanks for writing in. Hopefully you aren’t a hot mess anymore. If you’re still a steaming side of gravy over it- pretend you are paralyzed (from the waist down) and take a bath in a tub full of 7-11
bubble gum flavored Slurpee slush. Be sure to dunk your head in it so you get a REAL brain freeze. This will both cool you off and make you feel like a stupid sticky sack of Slurpee.
It wasn’t wrong to ask the dude in the wheelchair to move up a little. It was wrong of you to not say this to the bitchy lady who yelled at you:
The trouble with love is that it starts to own you. It rips you up and knocks you down. That’s why it’s so awesome watching certain people love things instead of people.
Recently, Steven Page of Bare Naked Ladies was arrested in a hotel room with 2 women, some marijuana and some cocaine. I have met Steven. I performed with him many years ago and let me tell you, he’s pretty cool. He made me laugh and they (BNL) put on one hell of a show.
So as a celebrity, he’s now in the spotlight for doing, in my opinion, what he is supposed to do. He is a rock star.
Let’s define rock star: Someone who writes and/or performs a few catchy tunes to the immediate or eventual adoration of the masses. In the interim, they travel by van or bus, getting drunk and dealing with loneliness until the next town when they get a hummer and maybe some cocaine and marijuana as they call their wives and pretend that they are night swimming.
Okay, so let me get this straight…a rock musician was in a hotel room? With two women? And drugs? WHY IS THIS NEWS? Verne Troyer is suing his ex-girlfriend for 20 million dollars in damages for her efforts at releasing a sex tape that they both consented to? Listen bro, this is Hollywood. You are an unattractive tiny movie star. With all due respect, because you have done quite well for yourself, but it’s as if someone microwaved Vin Diesel and then squished him. This girl would have NEVER gone out with you in a million years if you were not a famous person. So, accept it. In fact, embrace it.
What’s that you say? You don’t believe me? Ok, Kid Rock gets laid a lot because he is famous, not because he is handsome. Howard Stern, Kermit The Frog…the list goes on and on.
There used to be a Navy commercial or something where the voiceover asked, “If they wrote a book about your life, would anybody want to read it?”
The answer, of course, is no. Even if you joined the Navy, nobody wants to read about your stupid, awful life.
But Ray Charles had a movie made about his life. So did Johnny Cash. Then I got to thinking, John McClane from Die Hard has had four days they made movies about. Not a great life spanning several decades. Four days.
I can’t go into details of how it went down. You understand how sex works, right? Good. It was that, plus me falling off the bed. Got it?
I remembered the incident the following afternoon. I immediately grabbed my phone and proceeded to send a mass text to a handful of friends. I didn’t have many details of the fall itself. I kind of blocked it out. It was really just an afterthought. Maybe because it happened during sex. Sex is already embarrassing enough. It’s just one embarrassing thing on top of another.
It’s like slipping down a flight of stairs in front of a bunch of people and farting while in mid-fall. Which is worse? Does it even matter when they’re double-stacked like that?
I know that I fell hard. I can see the gash where I slammed my back into the bedside table drawer. But that’s all I know.
My ex-girlfriend used to have shark week on a daily basis. It makes me long for a time when there was equal billing for badgers and ponies. Not really, but in fairness to the other forms of predators that successfully feed of the meek, let’s also shout out the rabbits and the snails.
Recently, I met an angel. Not a girl that dresses like an angel, because most seraphs dress surprisingly down. In fact, my angel was wearing sweatpants and had on a shell tops tee. This heavenly creature could do things most others could not. For starters, she could heal your heart.
I am sure that the immediate reply is, “Whatever, so can aspirin.” True, but can aspirin fly? Exactly. I’m just gonna continue.
