Hi Doozy-Dicks,

How are you guys? That’s awesome. No seriously, keep doing things.

I want to reference hot topics real quick – The Democratic National Convention, the Olympics, war, rape, poverty, and Dancing with the Stars! Go Jeffrey Ross!

Ok, great!

Lets get to the question.

Hey Amber,

Thanks in advance from a white guy.
Bob

Hi Bing Bang Bob,

Thanks for writing in. I don’t understand why you are waiting until the last minute to contemplate your lack of ethnic sexploration. This question is a doozy-dick of a dilemma. I’ll go to my go to resource
for some inspiration.

Knock knock. Who’s there? It’s Craigslist! Ok. Come on in. Leave your shoes on.

I’m going to post an ad for you in the RANTS AND RAVES section.

SUBJECT: I NEED ADVICE. I’M WHITE AND I’M GETTING MARRIED

Thanks!
Bob

Cut to: 32 Hours Later. I only got two responses. Check it:

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Dear Boom,

Hello! I got paid to get a papshmear the other day and I don’t feel like talking about it. It’ll be funny once I’m able to think of it in retrospect. Lets get to the question!

Hey Amber,

Thank you,
“Sassy”

Hey Sassy,

I’m gassy and thanks for writing in. I’m sorry you are in love with a stoner with a lazy boner. Actually, I know nothing about his boner so I take the second half of the second sentence back. I hate deleting stuff, especially if the word “boner” and/or “a” is involved. I’m a wild animal!

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I feel weird reading The Diary of Anne Frank. I feel intrusive, like I’m her kid brother, Jimmy Frank.

One of my greatest fears is that I’m going to die and someone is going to discover all of the weird things I’ve written. No, I take that back. My greatest fear is that I wind up in a coma and people discover my diary. Because then I have to wake up and look those people in the face again.

I’m sure Anne didn’t worry about these kinds of things. She believed that people were naturally good. She didn’t think that everyone was out to get her. When really, they kinda were.

But Anne was also a lot younger than I am now. I wrote innocent things back then, too. But I’ve changed. I’ve already penned certain entries on this website that I regret, so I can’t imagine what I’ve scrawled in a moleskin book at 3am when I’m looped up on Tylenol PM and pot (I wonder how I’ll end up in a coma someday?), playing my guitar and writing lyrics about someone who didn’t text me back.

Luckily for Anne Frank, she said intelligent and beautiful things. I doubt anyone would want to study my diary in their 9th grade class.

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Dear Pity By Proxy,

Hi! I’m so happy right now because I finally got to experience an effin earthquake. When it hit, I was a taking a nap with a guy and I thought he was relentlessly whackin’ off or something. I was like “Do
it man, do it!” Then a chandelier fell on him, it was annoying.

Let’s get to the question.

Hey Amber!

Thanks for considering this,
Jenn in Georgia

Jenn in Georgia!

Thanks for writing in. Hopefully you aren’t a hot mess anymore. If you’re still a steaming side of gravy over it- pretend you are paralyzed (from the waist down) and take a bath in a tub full of 7-11
bubble gum flavored Slurpee slush. Be sure to dunk your head in it so you get a REAL brain freeze. This will both cool you off and make you feel like a stupid sticky sack of Slurpee.

It wasn’t wrong to ask the dude in the wheelchair to move up a little. It was wrong of you to not say this to the bitchy lady who yelled at you:

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The trouble with love is that it starts to own you. It rips you up and knocks you down. That’s why it’s so awesome watching certain people love things instead of people.

Recently, Steven Page of Bare Naked Ladies was arrested in a hotel room with 2 women, some marijuana and some cocaine. I have met Steven. I performed with him many years ago and let me tell you, he’s pretty cool. He made me laugh and they (BNL) put on one hell of a show.

So as a celebrity, he’s now in the spotlight for doing, in my opinion, what he is supposed to do. He is a rock star.

Let’s define rock star: Someone who writes and/or performs a few catchy tunes to the immediate or eventual adoration of the masses. In the interim, they travel by van or bus, getting drunk and dealing with loneliness until the next town when they get a hummer and maybe some cocaine and marijuana as they call their wives and pretend that they are night swimming.

Okay, so let me get this straight…a rock musician was in a hotel room? With two women? And drugs? WHY IS THIS NEWS? Verne Troyer is suing his ex-girlfriend for 20 million dollars in damages for her efforts at releasing a sex tape that they both consented to? Listen bro, this is Hollywood. You are an unattractive tiny movie star. With all due respect, because you have done quite well for yourself, but it’s as if someone microwaved Vin Diesel and then squished him. This girl would have NEVER gone out with you in a million years if you were not a famous person. So, accept it. In fact, embrace it.

What’s that you say? You don’t believe me? Ok, Kid Rock gets laid a lot because he is famous, not because he is handsome. Howard Stern, Kermit The Frog…the list goes on and on.

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There used to be a Navy commercial or something where the voiceover asked, “If they wrote a book about your life, would anybody want to read it?”

The answer, of course, is no. Even if you joined the Navy, nobody wants to read about your stupid, awful life.

But Ray Charles had a movie made about his life. So did Johnny Cash. Then I got to thinking, John McClane from Die Hard has had four days they made movies about. Not a great life spanning several decades. Four days.

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I can’t go into details of how it went down. You understand how sex works, right? Good. It was that, plus me falling off the bed. Got it?

I remembered the incident the following afternoon. I immediately grabbed my phone and proceeded to send a mass text to a handful of friends. I didn’t have many details of the fall itself. I kind of blocked it out. It was really just an afterthought. Maybe because it happened during sex. Sex is already embarrassing enough. It’s just one embarrassing thing on top of another.

It’s like slipping down a flight of stairs in front of a bunch of people and farting while in mid-fall. Which is worse? Does it even matter when they’re double-stacked like that?

I know that I fell hard. I can see the gash where I slammed my back into the bedside table drawer. But that’s all I know.

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Don’t forget to check out J Chris Newberg’s previous column about how to write a dating mission statement.

Every day is shark week in Los Angeles.

My ex-girlfriend used to have shark week on a daily basis. It makes me long for a time when there was equal billing for badgers and ponies. Not really, but in fairness to the other forms of predators that successfully feed of the meek, let’s also shout out the rabbits and the snails.

Recently, I met an angel. Not a girl that dresses like an angel, because most seraphs dress surprisingly down. In fact, my angel was wearing sweatpants and had on a shell tops tee. This heavenly creature could do things most others could not. For starters, she could heal your heart.

I am sure that the immediate reply is, “Whatever, so can aspirin.” True, but can aspirin fly? Exactly. I’m just gonna continue.

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Click here to read Mike’s previous columns about the greatest comic you probably never heard of and why he hates his roommates.

Have you ever heard of Judson Laipply? No? What if I call him “The Evolution of the Dance Guy?”

Now you’ve got it. Until recently, Judson Laipply had the most-watched video in the history of YouTube. He has 93.4 million views. The video is kind of lame, but that’s not important. People loved him. I didn’t, but people did.

People sent his clip all around their offices. He made people happy. And he was an unknown – some motivational speaker or something from Ohio. He was pretty much the embodiment of the democratization of the Internet and Web 2.0 and the changing dynamic of entertainment. YouTube is one of the biggest sites on the Internet. Google bought it for a billion dollars. But Judson Laipply was King Shit of Fuck Mountain. Until recently.

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Hi Dirt Doogle,

I hope you all had a great week! This week’s column is special, a young person asked me a crap load of questions and I had to restrain myself from crapping a load on the answers. I think I’m starting to build an emotional connection with the people I advise. Oh no!

Let’s get to it.

Hey Amber!!

Josh (J-Play)

Hey J-Play!

Thank you for writing in. Who is your brother? Tell him I say hi and thanks for the Google gossip.

I’m guessing you are between the age of 13 and 18 and this scares me. I’m afraid to bust out my insane profane logic on you. I don’t need the added pressure of being dubbed an online sexual predator, and I hope you and your friends aren’t having a circle jerk while you read this. No offense to you kid, but I’m going to keep this post PG-13. I have a reputation to protect and a career that only exists in my mind.

Here are some long and short answers to your many questions.

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