We’re always happy to hear from our correspondent, Mike Burns. Here is his list of 9 Reasons Why Maxim Magazine and Their Readers Are Horrible.

9. Men who are confident in their sexuality don’t whack around their pink ranger to Maxim Magazine.

Over airbrushed photos of unattainable women who have been rendered even MORE flawless makes them even harder to stiffen up for. Do you sit in your shitty car, close your eyes, and pretend it’s a Ferrari? No. Because that’s stupid.

And because of the make-up and lighting they choose, that photo of Megan Fox you wanted to play tugboat with, doesn’t even look like Megan Fox anymore. So now you’re getting slap happy over someone that technically doesn’t exist.

Show me pictures of Kate Hudson in the morning with fucked up bedhead, 3 zits, and wearing a ratty little t-shirt and boycut underpants. All hungover and wanting to get the cobwebs fucked out of her. At least on SOME small level that’s a scenario you can familiarize with.

Not Mila Kunis in a 5,000 dollar Louis Vuitton bikini on a yacht in San Tropez, surrounded by live pythons and enough glossy enamel on her mug to make her look like an Oscar statue. I can’t even PRETEND I would ever be remotely in a scenario like that on any level, let alone get my slinky ready to go down the stairs about it.

Maxim is what closeted meathead gay guys beat off to so they can keep telling themselves they like pussy.

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