Hey ladies, sometimes ‘the fellas’ will end a little early in the bedroom. Many of them have special techniques or things they think about to last longer. You know, gross things. Co-hostess of The View, Sherri Shepherd said today that she has had “more abortions that [she] would like to count”. That’s pretty fucking disgusting. Here are other 6 things in the news men can think about, besides Sherri, to last a little longer.

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Some dickbag from South Carolina had a picture on his website that said, “The Difference Between Obama and Osama is Just a Little B.S.” Get it. Because their names aren’t the same, but they rhyme. You can watch an old “Cheers” episode where Woody Boyd proves he’s dumb because he thinks he’s related to Woody Allen. You know, because you’re not related if you have the same first name. But now people are trying to get us to believe Osama bin Laden and Barack Obama are related or something because Osama’s first name and Barack’s last name SOUND alike. Even an obviously-dumb sitcom character would know that’s stupid. So, just to help, here are some other words that sound like Obama, besides Osama.

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The name ‘Gary’ is pretty macho. And macho guys named Gary probably like to fight. Here are the top 13 Garys that we would like to fight. And why or how we would kick their ass.

13. Gary Carter

Because I hate the ‘86 Mets and don’t think he deserves to be in the Hall of Fame.

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I think this one is kind of self-explanatory. But all of the following people have a quality that leads me to believe they take gigantic dumps.

12. John Goodman

He looks like he could crap out a dump truck full of Arby’s beef & cheddars.

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Who says nobody buys music anymore? People bought THESE songs. In fact they all went to the top of the Billboard charts some time between 1998 and 2008. And they’re all stinkers. Here are the worst songs to go to the top of the charts over the past ten years. Enjoy.

10. “Everything You Want” by Vertical Horizon

How is it possible to make a song this boring go to #1? It’s like a song they would put in the background of a Vagisil commercial. Hey Vertican Horizon, your song is a music bed for an itchy vagina product.

I love the blogosphere, or whatever it’s called. But for every interesting post, there’s probably 6 posts about thing I couldn’t care less about. So here are the Top 9 Things the blogosphere cares about that nobody else does.

9. Ice on Mars
Good luck having a conversation about this baby at any social outing that isn’t jam-packed full of NASA employees and high school science teachers.

Here’s you: “They found ice on Mars!”

Here’s everyone else: “They did? Cool.”

*awkward pause*

You: “Alright. See you around”.

8. Legos
Let me guess, some fucking Lego nerd made a Lego version of some nerdy comic book character or sci-fi movie character. Awesome. How ’bout a Lego version of your mom’s basement you never leave? No? How ’bout a Lego version of you losing your virginity?
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Is anybody else finding the Ice-T vs. Soulja Boy beef fascinating? No? Does nobody else see the irony of somebody calling themselves ‘Ice-T’ telling somebody calling themselves ‘Soulja Boy’ that they killed hip-hop? How about nearly 30 years of terrible names killing hip-hop? Well, we took a look back and here are the 25 worst rap names of all time.

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Oh boy. You ever put together a Top 10 ranking and, after some research, discover horrible things about yourself? Let’s say, for example, you were thinking you were going to rank the oldest women you’d still have consensual sexual intercourse with and think there’d be some hot babes in their 40s and 50s on that list… and then have the youngest one be 58 years old? Well that’s exactly what happened. Here are the Top 10 Oldest Women we’d still bang. Enjoy.

10. Morgan Fairchild (58)

Them breastessess don’t look 58! Lose the arm gloves and we’re talkin’.

9. Cheryl Tiegs (60)

We’ll never take down our Cheryl Tiegs poster either.

8. Susan Lucci (61)

More like ‘All My Grandchildren”. But she still gives us a halfy.

7. Suzanne Somers (61)

Oooooh. G-mama takes care of herself. Lemme be your Thigh Master. Or something.

6. Diane Sawyer (62)

I bet she’s really classy in the bedroom. Whatever that means.

5. Goldie Hawn (62)

Just, like, pretend its Kate Hudson.

4. Helen Mirren (62)

So old… but so elegant. We’d do.

3. Dolly Parton (62)

Like if Dolly Parton was hitting on you, you’d turn it down. It would be your duty as an American.

2. Racquel Welch (67)

She’s not a ‘would do’, she’s actually a ‘want to do’. Hubba hubba, old lady.

1. Sophia Lauren (73)

Uhhhh. Seventy three, huh? Hmm. Okay. Yeah. We’d do it. Then we’d brag to our grandpa.

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Brokeback Mountain is becoming an opera.  In lieu of all of the jokes that will be rehashed and recycled surrounding this news, we’ve decided to go in another direction.  Here, for your reading enjoyment, are the top Oscar-nominated movies of all-time that actually sound like they could be gay porn.  

 
17.  The Smiling Lieutenant 

The lieutenant is smiling. He’s smiling because of gay sex. Or it could be a cute nickname he gave another lieutenant’s boner. Either way, it just sounds kinda gay.

16. The Shanghai Express

Hot, hot Asian sex. The dude kind.

15. She Done Him Wrong

She done him wrong…so this gay dude’s gonna come correct.

14. Captain Blood

 
It’s probably best if we don’t describe what we think this one might be about.

13. Ruggles of Red Gap

He has catch phrases like, “Ooooh, yeah. Ruggles likes a struggle”. Then there’s the ‘Red Gap’ part, which we’ll also leave alone.

12. The Gay Divorcee

He messed up on his first marriage because it was with a non-dude. Now he’s single and ready to mingle. By ‘mingle’ we mean ‘fuck’.

11. The Snake Pit

Here’s a hint: It’s what they call their butts. In this film, anyhow.

10. One Hundred Men and a Girl

This one’s a filthy gang bang. But the dudes keep themselves busy while they wait.

9. Lady for a Day

We think it’d be a prison movie or something.

8. Here Comes the Navy

It gets so lonely out there at sea.

7. The Elephant Man

Something on him is grotesque. And that something rhymes with “cock”. And 34 ‘trunk’ references for good measure. Yes, pun intended.

6. Mr Deeds Goes to Town

He goes to town, alright. On a bunch of other gay dudes.

5. Fanny

It’s another name for a butt, folks.

4. The Russians are Coming, the Russians are Coming

In this case, the Red Scare would be some sort of STD.

3. 12 Angry Men

How ever do we cheer them up? You guessed it! Gay sex!

2. Howard’s End

Poor Howard. His end is very desirable.

1. The White Parade

No photo is available for the original. We think it’s because it’s exactly what it sounds like.

Maybe because it’s Friday, but we’re feeling very much in a college kind of mood today. After ogling college girls in their underwear, we were reminded of another favorite college hobby - screwing with our roommates. Luckily, Comedy.com’s own Do Unto Others crew provided us with this video showcasing some very creative ways to make your roommate’s life a living hell.

Like what you see? Check out Do Unto Others’ tips for how to fuck up a job interview.