There used to be a Navy commercial or something where the voiceover asked, “If they wrote a book about your life, would anybody want to read it?”

The answer, of course, is no. Even if you joined the Navy, nobody wants to read about your stupid, awful life.

But Ray Charles had a movie made about his life. So did Johnny Cash. Then I got to thinking, John McClane from Die Hard has had four days they made movies about. Not a great life spanning several decades. Four days.

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Click here to read Mike’s previous columns about the greatest comic you probably never heard of and why he hates his roommates.

Have you ever heard of Judson Laipply? No? What if I call him “The Evolution of the Dance Guy?”

Now you’ve got it. Until recently, Judson Laipply had the most-watched video in the history of YouTube. He has 93.4 million views. The video is kind of lame, but that’s not important. People loved him. I didn’t, but people did.

People sent his clip all around their offices. He made people happy. And he was an unknown – some motivational speaker or something from Ohio. He was pretty much the embodiment of the democratization of the Internet and Web 2.0 and the changing dynamic of entertainment. YouTube is one of the biggest sites on the Internet. Google bought it for a billion dollars. But Judson Laipply was King Shit of Fuck Mountain. Until recently.

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Today marks the one year anniversary of the death of Chicago comedian Pat Brice.

One of the first jokes I remember seeing Pat Brice do was about an old man who would one-up every story you could possibly tell. After Pat told the guy a story about an amazing Little League player from his youth, the old man told him an epic World War II-era story about a Catholic League player named Pot Eye O’Shea.

One time, Pot Eye O’Shea hit a ball into the gap, saw that it was only going to be a triple, reached back and hit the ball again for a home run. “He hit the ball twice.” Strangely enough, only a year after his death, those are the types of stories people tell about Pat.

You probably haven’t heard of him, but you were going to. In the past year, several industry types and festival runners have told me about how big of a star Pat was going to be. They were telling me something everybody in Chicago had already known for years. He would fucking clobber the audience. He was one of the few people I never saw have a bad set. Ever. And he was the same guy off stage as he was on. Loud, charismatic and brutally funny.

From 2005-2007, Chicago stand-up had really hit its stride. Several of those comics have gone on to New York and Los Angeles to do the big festivals, the big TV spots, and even sitcoms and movies. Of all of those people, Pat was still the best. He was our quarterback, our homecoming king and our Most Likely to Succeed. Several other people were great, but I didn’t feel like anyone was better. I still don’t.

Here’s to the Laddy.

(Editor’s Note: We here at Comedy.com would also like to echo Mike Bridenstine’s thoughts. Pat was an amazing talent who is sorely missed by everybody who was lucky enough to get a chance to meet him. Below are some samples of his great work.)

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You learn a lot about yourself when you run out of toilet paper.

My roommates and I recently ran out of TP and there’s a nasty debate about whose turn it is to get toilet paper, so now (on principle and out of stubbornness) nobody is going to buy any and the situation looks dire around the apartment. It’s become a weird game of holding out. It’s a high stakes game of shit chicken or ass chess. Whatever you want to call it.

Then it dawned on me this morning in the shower – there could be a weird parallel between my apartment’s toilet paper situation and the current Peak Oil fiasco going on in the world today. Work with me here. Just go along with it.

When you first get a new econo-pack of toilet paper, and you know you’re set for a while, you use it to your little heart’s content. You go for an extra three wipes, kick the tires and take another lap around the track. That’s gross. But you could say the same about a new tube of toothpaste or a new bottle of shampoo. You glob the toothpaste on your brush, or you fill your palm with shampoo and you treat yourself right.

That’s like the way the United States was with oil in the 1950s. We had a lot of it and we used the shit out of it. I’m not a historian, but I think in Texas in the 1960’s, they used to have contests to see which town could waste the most oil. It was crazy back then.

Back to the parallel…

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I Love The New Millenium

VH-1 has run out of nostalgia. They’ve gone to the Hal Sparks Well once to often and are now trotting out old crap from four years ago and trying to pass it off as entertainment. It doesn’t work. And I hate it. Here’s why…

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Yeah, yeah. I’m over it too. Obama will be the Democratic nominee. Hillary won’t. But now I’m fascinated by the die hard Hillary supporters who are now crying sexism and vowing to vote for McCain in November. They’re sore losers. They’re babies. And they’re missing the point.

I think a woman could be President. That’s fine with me. Hillary Clinton is a woman. But she’s not WOMEN. She just happens to be a woman. A horribly flawed unlikeable person… who happens to be a woman.

I don’t even understand why these sexism-mongers would want Hillary as their spokeswoman anyway. To me, she doesn’t do all the breaking-of-the-glass-ceiling shit that people keep harping on in the first place. She’s obviously a smart lady. She’s obviously a savvy-enough (but dirty) politician. But she was the ambitious wife of a former President. To me, that doesn’t teach young girls that they can be whatever they want and bla bla. It teaches them to marry well so they can get things because of association and/or nepotism.

Try telling me that she would have gotten as far if she wasn’t married to Bill Clinton. Try it. Try telling yourself. It won’t work. She got where she’s gotten through talent… BUT if she was married to Bill Clinton the Guy that Works at the Shoe Store you would probably never have heard of her. Marry well, ladies. Super awesome message.

She’s not the right she-hero for women to be rallying around. It doesn’t make sense for all of their sexism-mongering.

And why did she get treated “so poorly” by the media? Sexism? No. I don’t think so. She did a lot of the politics-as-usual and politics-of-fear shit that everybody is so fucking sick of. They’re sick of nepotism too. But she was pretty dirty in the campaign.

“Obama is a Muslim. Obama hates America. He’s not wearing a flagpin. He’s not one of us. He’s not for white middle class people. Did I mention he’s a Muslim? I mean, his middle name is Hussein. I can’t prove he’s not a Muslim. If the phone rings at 3 AM, do you want Bill - I mean me - to answer, or some black Muslim guy? He’s best friends with a racist preacher… who’s Muslim”.

It was ridiculous. Then there was all the delegate math shit that boggled my mind. People don’t like that shit. It’s untruthful. We’ve already had way to much of that.

And she has an annoying voice. There, I said it. And an annoying face. Double wammo.

That shit’s important too. Ever since the Nixon-Kennedy debate in 1960 or whenever, where Nixon looked all gross. It’s all subjective, but that’s WHY people give speeches and get their speeches analyzed by pundits on TV. You gots to look and sound sharp. McCain’s yellow shark teeth being the exception, I guess. But her voice and her weirdo faces were part of the problem.

And how about this - Obama was just better. He won the nomination more than she lost it. Watch the guy. Listen to him. He’s good. And he’s half black. So arguing over and over again about the white male bias in the news coverage doesn’t hold water with me.

Hillary came out as the presumptive nominee well before all this shit started. Same biased white male pundits were saying that, weren’t they? And then she got THIRD PLACE in Iowa and it all went down hill and desperate from there. She looked like one of those “My Super Sweet 16″ kids on MTV when their daddy couldn’t get Usher to come to their party. That sense of entitlement grossed me out so bad. The flaws were in her character, not in her gender.

Blame it on sexism. Use Hillary as your poster child for Women Everywhere. It’s really stupid and misguided. Somebody had to win the nomination. She didn’t win. If she hadn’t gotten as far as she did, would they still be blaming it on sexism and a male-biased media? Go vote for McCain. Or stay at home, like you’re saying you’re going to. That sounds like a really good plan. It sounds like you know a whole lot about politics. It doesn’t sound at all like you were blindly supporting Hillary because she was a woman.

Obama is doing better with women in the polls than John Kerry ever did, by the way.

Pick a better woman next time. Pick one that runs a clean campaign. Pick one that is self-made. Pick one that is charismatic.

Pick one that isn’t Hillary Clinton.

Mike Bridenstine is a stand-up comedian based out of Los Angeles. He is a member of Blerds.com and quite possibly the funniest person of all time. You can contact him at Myspace.com/MikeBridenstine and read his column here every other Wednesday.