Jokes

, tact"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil, " Eric told doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Eric and his homosexual partner, "Kiki", had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.

"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped our gerbil in," he explained.

As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrive Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next,

"The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Eric's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."

Eric suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while "Kiki" suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

The ten most scary things about this story:

10. " I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum.."

9. "So I peered into the tube.." (I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare into the sun).

8. "That poor gerbil being shot out of the guy's ass like Rocky the flying Squirrel.

7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I am just guessing, but I seriously doubt the gerbil was springtime fresh after his journey into Kiki's tunnel of love.

6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.

5. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken into the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniacal, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with charcoal lighter fluid before admitting the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying, "Well Doc, it's like this. You see, we have this gerbil and we took this cardboard tube..."

4. "First and second degree burns to the anus", Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3. People named "kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic White men who insert rodents up their butts"

2. What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I am getting a whole new image of the Osmond family.